Mutants Make Good Cowboys
by todd fan
Summary: COMPLETE A parody of Wild, Wild West. Uber huge update.
1. In the begining

Mutants make good cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I'm a tool, I'm a tool, I'm a tool, tool, tool"

**&&&&**

Yes, the final of my parodies to be re-written. Now, due to a possessed floppy disc, the first 8 (or so, as the number may change with editing) acts of this parody have been written from scratch. Completely so. As a result, some characters may have been changed, as my memory is pretty pathetic for a 22 year old. So here it is, the parody of 'Wild, Wild, West'. Weeee.

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ACT 1 – In the beginning…

**&&&&**

We open in the bayous of Louisiana, 1869.

"**Home, home in de swamp**", sings Remy, "**where de snakes and de gators dey camp**"

Todd gives him a smack, wearing the much despised directors cap.

"Shadup"

Suddenly, a circular blade cuts through the trees, whirring ominously. We soon see Kelly, a weird metal collar around his neck as he runs from said circular flying blade

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!", screams Kelly.

Kelly whimpers, trying to weave between trees to avoid the blade.

"He's a…mad-mad!", he pants, "I must warn the president!"

Kelly races past a abandoned wagon, it being shredded by the blade.

"Giant spider!", Kelly rambles.

"Poor soul's got the mind-crazies", says Todd, shaking his head and tutting.

Kelly stops running, his eyes widening as the blade bears down on him. There is a 'thunk' sound and the screen goes black.

"Nice", grins Todd, "I killed Kelly in the first act, go me!"

Sabertooth appears on screen, a weird megaphone attached to his ear.

"Oh, that's attractive", snorts Logan.

Sabertooth snarls, leaning down to look at Kelly's now decapitated head.

"And they say you scientists are supposed to be smart", he chuckles.

He picks up the blade, which has a spider design on it, as music starts up.

**Spider-Man**

**Spider-Man**

**Does whatever a spider can**

"No!", snaps Todd, taking off the music, "that's the wrong music! We need the wild-west stuff…..idiot"

"Sorry", says Bobby, changing the music, "it was an easy mistake to make…seesh"

The music kicks in again, this time a wild-west theme., as scenes of guns and explosions flick past. Once the snazzy opening sequence is over, we open on the town of Morgan, West Virginia. Zooming in on a creaking water tower.

"The legendary Captain Pietro West", smirks Tabby, "and I finally got him all to myself"

We see that Tabby and Pietro are in the water tower, swming very, very nakedly.

"I get to see Tabby naked!", grins Pietro.

"**Everyone** gets to see Tabby naked", says Todd, "she's easy"

"**Hey**!", snaps Tabby, then blinks, grinning, "what do I care? I love this life"

"So is Pietro, for that matter", adds Todd.

"…..Also true", blinks Pietro, "and sugar, you should feel free to treat him just….bad"

"….Not too good with the dirty talk, are you, Pie?", blinks Tabby, "and don't call me sugar"

"Shut up and kiss him", says Todd.

"Fine, but I want to be paid extra", says Tabby, randomly giving Pietro a snog.

As they kiss, Pietro blinks as he hears the sounds of fighting outside.

"Hold that on for me for one second, would you?", he asks, swimming off to peek through a peek hole.

"You can't turn me on and off like a toaster, you know!", snaps Tabby.

Through the peek hole, Pietro sees a wagon ride into town.

"General McCreeds boys", says Pietro, "I've been waiting for you for a week, you show up **now**!"

"Pietro", says Tabby, her hands on her hips, "You wouldn't be working up here tonight now, would you?"

Pietro blinks, trying to weasel out of Tabby's wrath.

"Working?", he asks, "Now would you be working if you were up here with you?"

Tabby blinks.

"Being cryptic won't save you, I'm not stupid…jerk"

As Tabby and Pietro kiss again, Pietro's eyes move to where McCreeds boys, Lucid, Duncan and Façade, are loading up the wagon with..something.

"Pack it up good, Façade", says Lucid, "Next stop: New Orleans"

"Yey!", says Remy from backstage.

Tabby stops kissing Pietro, as Pietro has turned his head to watch this. Pietro, being an idiot, is still making kissing motions with his lips. He pauses, as soon as he realizes he's being glared at.

"I'm not working!", he protests, "you're worse than a wife!"

Tabby narrows her eyes, taking Pietro's heart-patterned boxer shorts and stuffing them into the peep hole.

"Problem solved", she says.

"Now hold on there, Tabby!", says Pietro, removing his boxers, "You can't just go ramming a mans personal things into some hole like that"

"**Innuendo**!", shouts Todd.

"Is that so?", smirks Tabby, kissing him again.

"I didn't mean it like that", mutters Pietro.

As Façade tosses another crate onto the cart, Jott in front rears up.

"Jeez, that's heavy!", shouts Scott.

"Mybackmyback!", says Jean.

As Jott rears, the wheel of the wagon hits one of the legs of the water tower, making it lurch.

"Ooooh, Pietro", purrs Tabby.

"Much as I'd like to take credit for that, Darlin'", says Pietro, "uhhh…you might want to hand me my gun"

Jott lurches forward, snapping the leg of the water tower, bringing it crashing down. A very naked Pietro drops out in front of Lucid, Façade and Duncan.

"My eyes, **MY EYES**!", screams Lucid.

"…Wait…can't you see though things like clothing anyway?", asks Façade.

"……..I don't do that", lies Lucid.

"**Wooo**!", grins Pietro, standing up, "that was fun! Which one of you boys wants to strip down and go next?"

The three stare at him blankly. Pietro smiles, pointing at Duncan.

"Bet you do"

"…..No….thanks", blinks Duncan.

"Sure could use some clothes down here m'am", says Pietro, looking up and the falled water tower.

Tabby makes a 'humph' noise, throwing down Pietro's hat.

"You can leave your hat on", says Tabby snidely.

Pietro blinks at it, then covers a vital part of anatomy with it as the guys stalk forward.

"Well, well", says Lucid, "we got us a shy Mutie…"

He pauses.

"Wait, why are we anti-mutant? We **ARE** mutants!"

"We haven't got enough humans", says Todd, "you're a human for a day, congratulations"

Pietro throws a punch, knocking Lucid to the ground, then proceeds to beat up Duncan, who is stopped in his tracks as Pietro removes his hat.

"Bad thing to see", he whimpers as Pietro knocks him out.

"Pants!", shouts Pietro, glaring up as Tabby tosses him his pants and gun.

**&&&&&&**

Weee, and another parody beings it's stages of being re-written. Do review. Until next time….


	2. Crossdressing is fun

Mutants make good cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Tonight she's going to put me in a sailor outfit. Do me a favor, just eat me now"

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Act 2 – Cross-dressing is fun

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We open on a wagon passing a place called 'Fat Cat's Candy's', the figure inside hidden in shadow, obviously our villain.

"…I think anyone who's read this will remember the villain", says Todd, blinking, "he was very memorable"

Shut up, you'll ruin the plot. Anyway, we move into a burlesque house, where Mystique is scantily clad and singing on a table.

"Oh, good for me", mutters Mystique.

Sabertooth is sitting on a chair, looking over at a bar when a very….husky woman is standing.

"I hate this" 'she' says.

"Oh, I think you look great", grins Todd, "lookit that bosom!"

"…..I want to poke you in the liver", growls the 'woman'.

'She' grimaces as Sabertooth makes kissy-faces at 'her', then forces 'herself' to smile coyly from behind a fan.

**And a great big puddle of blood on the ground**

Mystique finishes her song, wagging her rear and winking at Sabertooth as she walks off.

"Oh no, not again", whimpers Sabertooth, "I don't wanna! I don't wanna!"

Meanwhile, Lance walks over to our 'lady', whispering something in 'her' ear. 'She' blinks then coughs, waving 'her' fan.

"Oh I'm so sorry" 'she' says, "that wouldn't be possible I have…..tonsillitis"

Sabertooth looks from where he's sitting at the table at Bobby and Alex, as they cart off a big chest…that's making a noise.

"There's no oxygen in here!", cries Jason.

"Oh, there's plenty", says Todd, "we have air holes"

"**I SEE NO AIR HOLES**!", screams Jason as he's carted off.

"Well, I'm still waitin' on my guns and ammunition", says Sabertooth, looking at Hank next to him, "You see my men have brought your merchandise"

"I can't be bought!", shouts Jason, as the 'woman' watches.

"Genral McCreed, your weapons are being delivered as we speak", assures Hank, "Now, shall we go upstairs and check the merchandise?"

Hank gets up and leaves. Sabertooth grins, standing.

"Take me to the poot, Sir!", says Sabertooth, blinking and mouthing 'poot', "I want something young and creamy, a gamer that takes to the crop and the spur"

"No, we don't know what that means, either", admits Todd.

"You drive a hard bargain", says Lance, glaring at the 'woman, "alright fifty cents!"

"You pay good money for your whores, don't you Lance?", smirks Todd.

"I'm very flattered", smiles the 'woman', "but I'm just not interested"

"You gotta be interested, you're a whore!", protests Lance.

The 'woman' narrows 'her' eyes and turns to glare at Lance.

"I may be a whore", Forge growls in his normal voice, "but I work alone"

"**FORGE IS IN A DRESS**!", screams Lance, before being knocked out by a spoingy flower on Forge's dress.

"This thing rides up my ass", mutters Forge, as Lance collapses to the floor.

Elsewhere, Pietro (now dressed in pants and a jacket) is still fighting Duncan, Lucid and Façade. After a bit of ducking, there is a scream as Tabby falls into Pietros arms, wrapped in a towel, the water tower dropping on top of Façade and Duncan.

"Owww", they groan.

Jott whinnies as she/he decides to race off. Pietro puts on his hat, putting Tabby down and kissing her.

"**Now** I'm working", he says, grabbing into a pulley and sliding through the warehouse, keeping up with the cart, "wooooooooooo!"

He lands on the back of the cart with ease, tipping his hat to Tabby as he leaves.

"M'am", he opens one of the crates, finding bottles of.. "**NITRO**!"

"So, **THAT'S** where I put them", smiles Hank.

Pietro whimpers, clinging to the racing cart.

"This is **not** the way you transport **nitro**!", he screams, "woooah!"

"**YOU** 'whoah!", snips Jean.

"Yeah, we're running away from the madness!", says Stocc, "next stop, Mexico City!"

Pietro looks down to see the reins dangling on the floor, he sighs, diving into Jott's back in an attempt to make him/her 'whoah'.

Back at the burlesque house, Sabertooth is walking along a line of whores, picking one for himself. Mystique begins to smile coyly at him before she is 'gently' shoved out of the way by Forge. Sabertooth pauses, blinking at Forge,

"What's your name…..Missy?", he asks.

"Dora", says Forge in a feminine voice.

The cast erupt into an uncontrollable laughter.

"Yeah, har har", says Forge, "Forge has to be a woman, laugh it up!"

"Why mother's name was", Sabertooth pauses with a snort, "Dora"

"Oh….really?", asks Forge, a little worried Sabertooth would pick someone who shared his mothers name.

Sabertooth drags 'Dora' out, Lance appears, now conscious.

"What sort of lady are you!", he says.

Sabertooth ever so calmly shoots Lance in the chest, killing him, causing everyone to look up.

"She's mine!", says Sabertooth.

Everyone shrugs and goes back to what they were doing.

"Medic", whimpers Lance from the ground.

"I feel like a ditty!", says Sabertooth, picking Forge up and putting him on the table, "Go on, girl, sing!"

"…How'd you feel about 'Crazy Horses'?", he tries.

"No seventies tunes!", snaps Todd.

Forge mutters under his breath, handing Ray, at the piano, a set of notes. Sabertooth tilts his megaphone to the side, ear wax oozing out, causing Forge to grimace.

"……Nasty"

Meanwhile, Pietro is still trying to 'whoah' Jott, as he/she races towards the cliff edge overlooking the burlesque house.

"End of ground!", screams Scott.

"**BREAKS**!", screams Jean, skidding to a halt.

Pietro screams as he is flung over the panto horse, left dangling over the cliff.

"….Mother", he whimpers, "okay…okay…back up now"

Jott sighs, backing up, pulling Pietro up.

"Don't say we don't do anything for you", sniffs Scott.

Pietro shakes his head, turning to look at the house, seeing Sabertooth through the window.

"General Blood Bath McCreed", he growls.

**&&&&&&**

And another chapter done! More cross-dressing antics later. Do review. Until next time…


	3. A villian

Mutants make good cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I have my doubts that this movie is actually "starring" anybody. More like 'camera is generally pointed at'"

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ACT 3 – A….villain?

**&&&&&&**

Back in the burlesque house, Forge, still in drag, is singing to the drunks. The songs words, however are barely detectable, as Forge's 'Dora' voice is incredibly high and stupid.

"I need to get more drunk than this", sighs Forge as he does a jig.

As he finishes, Sabertooth drags him off the table.

"Oww, watch the arm!", snaps Forge, "you break it, you bought it"

While this is happening, Pietro tries to climb up the burlesque house, clambering towards the windows.

"Like Spider-Man!", grins Pietro.

"That's the second Spidey pun since this fic started", says Todd, "quit it!"

"That's a lot of ham for these skinny legs!", says Sabertooth inside, ushering 'Dora' upstairs.

"…….If this is how you talk to women", says Forge, "I don't know how you got anyone to sleep with you: ever"

'Dora' opens a door trying to distract Sabertooth.

"Look", 'she' says, "that's a new one"

Sabertooth blinks as he peers inside, hearing a sheep bleating.

"It's legal in Mexico!", shouts Gauntlet.

While Sabertooth is distracted, Forge looks in the other room, where Hank, Bobby and Alex are sat by a Jason in a Sack ™

"Lemmie out!", says Jason's muffled voice.

Sabertooth quickly closes the door.

"This room's occupied!"

"I'll say", says 'Dora' dryly.

Meanwhile, Pietro has crept up to the very window of the room Sabertooth ahs dragged Forge into.

"I want to erase this form my mind", says Forge with a whimper.

"Don't let the ear frighten you my little…..dove", Sabertooth snorts, "I lost it in a place I can't pronounce"

'Dora' grimaces.

"Really? One could hardly notice", 'she' lies, "Would you help me…..ugh…undress. I always have trouble undoing this clasp"

"….I'd rather not", says Sabertooth.

"I'd rather you wouldn't either", says Forge, "I couldn't afford the therapy"

"**JUST ACT**!", screams Todd.

Sabertooth grumbles, going to undo the clasp, only to have it open, revealing a pair of swirling hypnotic discs.

"What's this?", he asks, squinting at it.

"Why it's a deep, deep, pool", says 'Dora', "Maybe it's your old swimming hole, General. Are you feeling sleepy?'

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz", says Sabertooth, dropping asleep.

"He said sleepy, not asleep!", snaps Todd, hitting him with a shoe.

"…Yes", says Sabertooth drowsily, "I'm sleepy"

"Good", says Forge, back to his normal voice, "Now you're going to be my little doggie, and when I say 'speak, you're going to tell me everything I want to know. Understood?"

"Meow", says Sabertooth.

"…..Close enough", says Forge, "Now tell me, who's in that sack in the other room? Which scientist is it? Is it Dr. Wyngarde? Speak!"

"Meow", says Sabertooth.

Forge sighs.

"You can speak word, you stupid moggie", he says, "Who do you work for? Who paid you to kidnap Wyngarde? Speak!"

Sabertooth begins to twitch, hissing and growling.

"No, no, watch the swirling spiral, watch the swirling spiral!", says Forge, "bad kitty, BAD kitty, watch the….damn"

Forge looks at his jammed spirally thing sadly, just as Pietro heroically smashes in through the window.

**Here I come to save the daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. **(1)

Pietro punches Sabertooth out, then tips his hat at 'Dora'.

"Didn't mean to startle you….ma'm", he says, "Looked like you could use a little help"

"Looks can be deceiving, barely dressed stranger", says 'Dora', "I'm perfectly fine"

"I'm sure you are, ma'm", says Pietro, then giggles, "Big, sturdy gal like you probably gets top dollar, too"

"…..I loathe you", growls Forge

Pietro roots around in Sabertooth's pockets, pulling out a sack of coins, tossing them to 'Dora'.

"There you go", he says, then pulls out a gun, "Why don't you run along darlin', and I'll sing my old friend the General McCreed here a little lullaby"

Forge blinks, seeing his hard work and loss of dignity all go down the drain.

"I need him!", 'Dora' says, taking the gun off Pietro, neither noticing Sabertooth getting up.

"Come on, Lady, you got your money, now run along!", says Pietro, "have a little dignity"

"My dignity vanished after I put on this stupid dress", mutters Forge

"West!", snarls Sabertooth, diving at Pietro, pushes them both through the wall, before making a run for it.

Pietro sighs, standing up, just as Amara, a whore, reaches for a gun beside her bed. Pietro, as always, is fast, pointing his gun at her.

"That would be an awful career decision, Darlin'", he says, spinning his gun on his finger and holstering it, "man, I'm **good**!"

Pietro grins, proud of himself, opening the door to go after Sabertooth, only to be randomly punched by Havok.

"Why am I evil again?", he sighs.

"SHAMELESS PLUG!", screams Todd.

There is a brief fight scene, where Pietro kicks the asses of Sabertooth's cronies. 'Dora' steps out, rolling 'her' eyes. As this is happening, Bobby races past, Jason in a Sack ™ slung over his shoulder, Hank following behind.

"Get Wyngarde out of here!", says Hank.

"Stop or I'll squeeze!", says Forge, holding a perfume spray at Hank.

"…..The dress, I find frightening…but otherwise.. HAH!", says Hank.

Before Forge can squeeze, however, Pietro bumps into him from behind. The two spin around, pointing their respective weapons at each other.

"And here come the slash insinuations", chuckles Todd.

"U.S Army", snaps Pietro, "Stay outta my way, Lady!"

Forge narrows his eyes, whipping his wig off.

"I'm not a lady, I'm a U.S Marshal", he says, "stay out of my way!"

From the hill above the house, Wanda is standing beside the suspicious carriage, binoculars held to her eyes, lip-reading Forge and Pietro.

"Get out of my way. Get out of my way", she says in monotone, "U.S Army. U.S Marshal"

We finally get a view of our evil, heinous villain. The most wicked man to walk the earth.

"Oh dear", says Sam

…..Okay, so I only had one guy who had a decent Southern accent, so sue me.

"A'h don't like this evil business", says Sam with a frown, "a'h didn't like it the last time"

"You're gonna like ti, and you're gonna shut up", says Todd.

Hank suddenly runs up the hill.

"Federal agents, inside!", he says.

"So Miss Lipin-Reader informs me, Mr McCoy", says Sam, as Jason in a Sack ™ is pilled into the back, "Still, a'h believe good manners dictate that we should send out the welcome wagon"

With that, he releases the cart full of nitro, which trundles happily down the hill towards the house. Forge and Pietro, still at a stalemate, pause as they ehar the sound of the wagons approach.

"Now what?", they say in unison.

The house goes up with a bang…..That's what.

**&&&&&&**

(1) – Mighty Mouse, if you're wondering. I always thought it foolish a hero would sing his own theme tune as he arrived on the scene. Didn't that kind of throw stealth right out of the window? Silly rodent.

Ahhh, such fun! Do review. Until next time…


	4. Mr's President

Mutants make good cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "That was the sound of the director giving up and leaving"

**&&&&&**

ACT 4 – Mr's. President

**&&&&&**

We open in Bayville, where Pietro is riding along on Jott, doing his best to look very cool.

"Who said anything about trying?", asks Pietro, "I **am** cool!"

He stops outside the White House, which has arrived in Bayville by Magic, and also has sheep grazing on the lawn.

"….Sheep?", Todd blinks, "okey dokey then"

As he steps in, Evan appears, stopping him in his tracks.

"Whoa there partner"

"Daniels, I know this is a cowboy movie, but…really", Pietro shakes his head.

"You can't just traipse into the presidents office!", says Evan, "now, give me that gun?"

Pietro arches a brow, moving his coat to reveal firearm on his hip.

"What that one?", he asks, then pulls another as Evan reaches for it, pointing at his head, "What about that one? Can I shoot him, please?"

"No", says Todd.

"…Awww", pouts Pietro going to hand Evan the gun, then whipping it away again last minute, aiming it at his head again, "that'd get you killed"

Evan narrows his eyes.

"Screw it, I'm going back to the sewers", he says, storming off.

"Gentlemen, don't make Captain West any later dan he is for his appointment", says Remy, from his room.

"…Why is Remy Native American with no red-on-black eyes?", asks Pietro.

"Just play along!", snaps Todd.

Pietro smirks, walking into the oval office, where 'Remy' is smoking a cigar.

"With de amount of death threats lately, de cabinet made me hire dese damn detectives", he says, "drink? Cigar?"

"Hell yeah!", grins Pietro, "don't mind if I do, Sir"

"So I understand you let General McCreed get away", says 'Remy'.

"That's not exactly the way it happened, Sir", says Pietro with a frown, "some half-a-sissy masquerading as…"

"Forge", says 'Remy'.

"You know him?", asks Pietro.

"'Course I know him, he's de best Marshal I've got", says 'Remy', then smiles, "a kind of genius. Forge has proven himself time and again as a very cunning operator, with a rosaceous intellect. No'ting will stop him from completing a mission for his President, except perhaps de impulsive actions of a headstrong cowboy"

'Remy' blinks as Pietro pulls a gun out on him.

"Who are you, Mister?", asks Pietro

"What do you mean 'who am I'?", asks 'Remy', "I am de President of the United States.

"Wrong answer", says Pietro, cocking the gun, firing at the ceiling, plaster snowing down on 'Remy's' head.

"That suit's dry clean only!", shouts Todd.

"Who are you?", Pietro asks again.

"I am de President", Pietro cocks his gun again, 'Remy' blinks, his accent disappearing instantly, "I'm Forge"

"**There** was a shock", says Todd dryly.

"How'd you know?", asks Forge.

Pietro taps the shot-glass in Forge's hand.

"President went to WestPoint, that says Harvard"

"Very observant", blinks Forge as the real Remy walks in.

"Somebody mind tellin' me what de hell is goin' on here", he says, "and I'm de President, **GO ME!**"

"President LeBeau", says Forge, removing his disguise, "these are perilous times. I was mealy demonstrating how someone using the art of disguise could penetrate into the very bowels of the Whitehouse, Sir"

Remy sighs, shaking his head.

"You're clever, Forge", he says, "one day, it's going to get you killed"

"Like today", mutters Pietro, causing Forge to send him a glare.

"And you, West", says Remy, looking at Pietro, "not every situation calls for your patented approach of shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more, and den when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two. Workin' together will be good for de two of you"

Both Forge and Pietro look like they've been given live grenades for a birthday rpesent.

"Working together?", squeaks Forge.

"With all due respect…", starts Pietro.

"You work de way your commander an' chief tells you to work", says Remy.

"…I was coming to that", mutters Forge

Remy shakes his ehad, walking through a hidden door, Forge and Pietro following him. They end up in a room with dozens of Jamie's pouring over paperwork, ahead are portraits of various Marvel geniuses (or genui)

"Gentlemen", says Remy, "Marvels top sceients in de fields of physics, hydrolics, explosives, all kidnapped in de last year, and all by General McCreed, it now appears"

"….I'm kinda hurt that I wasn't kidnapped", says Forge with a sad sigh, "am I not good enough?"

"You two have been working on de same case de whole time", says Remy, "why did it take you so long to figure it out?"

"Well, Sir", says Pietro, "One of us was trying to catch McCreed, while the other was trying to marry him"

Forge, ever so politely, stands on Pietro's foot.

"I don't have time for dis", sighs Remy, picking up a telegram, "only one week, if we believe dis"

Forge takes it, reading from it.

"The scientists that you seek are in my employ, creating a weapons system beyond the pale of contemporary imagination. History and justice are on my side, I suggest you put your affairs in order, you have one week before you surrender the U.S government"

"De letter was delivered today", says Remy, "with dat cake"

Forge lifts the lid on a gorgeous looking cake, shapes like the Whitehouse, when a load of spiders suddenly crawl out of it, causing Forge to yelp, covering it again.

"It's McCreed, Sir", says Pietro

"Sir, McCreed may be a vicious killer", says Forge, "but a mastermind he is not"

"Hey!", says Sabertooth backstage, "that hurt!"

"So, whom do we seek?", Forge asks himself, "After consulting with intelligence, I…"

"Sir, General McCreed is on his way to New Orleans", interrupts Pietro, "The longer we stay here and talk about it, the farther way he gets, and I don't need intelligence to tell me that"

"No, you'd rather rely on stupidity", Forge quips, getting a glare from Pietro.

"Gentlemen, I am leaving today for Utah", says Remy, breaking up the fight, "where de transcontinental railroads will be joined at promontory point. Look, you two are de best I've got. Put aside your differences, and find dis madman, whoever he is, and stop him. You have one week. Dismissed"

Forge and Pietro give a salute, then head out of the room, Roberto stopping them on the way, holding a box at arms length.

"Gentlemen", he says, "The president has put the Wanderer at your disposal. Engine number 5, track 6. Mr. Forge, the……item you requested"

Forge smiled taking the box, heading outside, where Pitero is already getting on Jott. Forge smirks, getting on a supped-up penny-farthing.

"Figures", mutters Pietro.

"My new invention", says Forge, "I call it the bi-valve-interior-combustion-twice-exhausted-bi-axle-nitro-cycle"

"Save it", says Pietro, unimpressed, "we have a train to catch"

With that, he charges off on Jott.

"Not if I catch it first", snips Forge, putting on a pair of goggles, "Excelsior!"

He hits a button and his bike speeds along the road, passing Pietro and Jott.

"Nice horse!", laughs Forge

"I hate being passed!", shouts Pietro, "stupid panto horse!"

"Well, sorrieee for not having super-speed", snaps Scott.

"Yeah, next time, do your own running!", says Jean.

**&&&&&**

Tee hee. Do review. Until next time…


	5. Kelly is really aHead

Mutants make good cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "So the first plot point involves knitting socks? I think we're in for quite a ride guys"

Weee, I can finally get this finished. No I dind't have oodles of time, I only did 4 chapters, the rest was already done, I'm not super Todd Fan….not yet, anyway. Soon….soon.

**&&&&**

ACT 5 – Kelly is really a-Head

**&&&&**

We open on the Wander, the governments own high-tech train. In the engine room driving is Logan, who has a trusty cigar stuck in his mouth. Suddenly, we see Pietro running alongside…or rather Pietro sitting on Jott who is running alongside.

"….Tried", wheezes Scott.

"Forge!", shouts Pietro, hitting the side of the train, "Forge stop the train! Don't make me whup your ass!"

Pietro rides up to a window, where Forge is knitting chain-mail.

"Hey, I'm warning you!", snaps Pietro, "Stop the train!"

"Come in", grins Forge, "have a seat"

"Forge stop the train!", shouts Pietro, again, "stop smiling at me!"

Pietro makes a desperate leap for the back of the train, and is instantly catapulted to the roof, which opens, depositing a rather terrified looking Pietro onto the seat next to Forge.

"We'll just make our own way there, yeah?", says Scott.

"Forget the horse", mutters Jean.

"How nice of you to drop in", says Forge smugly.

"Alright", says Pietro, standing up, making a show of taking off his shades and hat, "Let's drop the beards, the bikes, the fake boobies, set that needlepoint aside, and let's settle this like men"

"I need a man first, teenager", says Forge, then looks at his work, "as a matter of verification, this is not needlepoint"

He points to a picture of the Cheyenne flag on the wall.

"This is needlepoint", he says, then goes back to work, "I'm just putting the final touches to me latest invention. I call it the 'Imperiable'. It's a vest which, when worn under the clothing, can stop any modern bullet, even at close range"

"Technicaly, that 'aint your invention", says Todd.

"In this parody, it is", growls Forge.

"That so?", asks Pietro, aiming his gun at Forge's chest.

"But I haven't tested it fully yet!", squeaks Forge, then frowns, "Guns. I find them so primitive, and completely unnecessary if ones done one's proper planning"

"Save it for the commune, Hippie", snorts Pietro.

"I must tell you, Mr. West", says Forge, ignoring him, "I have always found that allowing any situation to degenerate into physical violence constitutes a failure on my part"

Pietro blinks, trying to understand the big words.

"Well then, Mr. Forge, you failed", says Pietro, punching Forge in the face.

Forge twitches, then glares at Pietro, who is bouncing up and down, holding up his fists.

"Alright then, Mr. West", says Forge, "we'll settle this, like men"

There is silence for a moment, until Forge makes a sound like a dying cat, waving his arms around. Pietro watches this curiously, until Forge hits a button behind him. This releases a mallet from the ceiling, knocking Pietro onto the snooker table, where straps appear, tying him down. The table then turns inwards, so Pietro is now outside and under the train, inches from the track.

"I love this train", smiles Forge, sitting back in his seat

Pietro whimpers, desperately pulling on various levers.

"Cheers", says Forge, holding a wine glass, "By the way, while you're down there, feel free to make use of my sub-carriage-inter-rail-vehicular-aggressor. I designed it myself"

Pietro yanks a lever, which turns Forge's chair into a similar situation as himself.

"I've been thinking", says Forge, attempting not to see how close his head is to the train track, "maybe the president's right. We should put aside our differences and work together"

Suddenly, both pool table and chair flick back to inside the train.

"Mommie", whimpers Pietro.

It turns out Logan has released them, and is standing at the doorway.

"Knock each other about all you please", he says, "but harm my train and I'll douse you like dogs"

Forge squeaks, noticing the pan in Logan's hand…the pan that's very close to his cigar.

"Logan", he says carefully, "that's my trouble-reduction sauce"

"Well then, lets get on about our presidents business, shall we, gentlemen?", growls Logan, "where to?"

"New Orleans", says Pietro.

"Why don't we let Professor Kelly decide", says Forge, walking off.

"Who?", blinks Pietro, "I don't need some nobody professor telling me where to head"

A pun, you see, as Kelly's head is sitting on a stange contraption, his eyelids forced open.

"…I'm not dead, you know", says Kelly.

"You are at the moment!", snaps Todd.

"Meet Professor Edward Kelly", says Forge, "kidnapped from MIT six months ago. Expert in the field of metallurgy. Discovered in a field of alfalfa"

"That's a man's head", says Pietro

Forge brings two halves of the metal collar that was around Kelly's neck.

"This magnetic collar was found about six feet away", he says, "near his body. I'm still trying to figure that one out"

"That's a man's head", Pietro says, again.

"You sure like to repeat yourself", says Todd.

We see Kelly's head is strapped to some projector machine at the back of his head, Forge lights a candle inside, adjusting the machine.

"According to the retinal terminus theory", continues Forge, "A dying persons last conscious image is burned into the back of his eyeball, kind of like a photograph"

He flicks on the machine, light coming from Kelly's eyes, like a cinema projector.

"…I feel happy, I feel happy", says Kelly (1)

"Perhaps there's a clue there", says Forge, "I give you Kelly's last image"

"That's a man's….head", says Pietro.

They look at the image on the screen, seeing it's upside down. Forge blinks quizzically, before nodding.

"Refraction of the lenses causes the image to appear upside down, so we…", Forge turns a lever, which turns Kelly's head upside down.

Pietro watches this in disgust.

"That….is a man's….heeaad", he chokes out.

"Voila!", says Forge, not bothered at all.

They look at the blurry image on the screen, Sabertooth holding the spider-man iconed saw-thing.

"McCreed", growls Pietro.

"He seems to have something in his pocket", says Forge, sitting on a pair of magnifying glass glasses, "but it's too fuzzy to make out. Verification of the aqueous humour has led to the loss of…"

"Glasses", says Pietro, picking up Kelly's glasses and putting the on Kelly's face

The image is cleared, even though the paper in Sabertooth's pocket seems unreadable. Forge squints at it as Pietro steps over.

"Friends of the South", reads Pietro, "come to a costume ball, April 14th, half past eight, 346 garden pine district.."

The pair look at each other.

"New Orleans", they say in unison.

**&&&&&&**

(1) – If you don't know Monty Python (the horror!) this joke will be lost on you.

Click on! 


	6. Breasts of buckwheat

Mutants make good cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I'm gonna look at your shoes for a while. It makes about as much sense"

**&&&&&**

ACT 6 – Breasts of buckwheat

**&&&&&**

We open in New Orleans, where the Wanders has stopped in a station. Forge is rifling through his costumes, looking for something to wear for the fancy dress.

"Gypsy Queen", he says, flicking through them, "pirate….AH! How about this?"

He pulls out a costume, holding it to Pietro.

"You can come as my manservant"

Pietro blinks at it, before putting a fake voice.

"Why s-ir master Forge!", he says, "oh, I swears, I'd be delighted! I'll siiing , I'll dances for-y' sir, and I swears no of dme otder white folks'll know dat.."

He narrows his eyes, going back to his normal voice.

"I'd rather shoot myself than be your damned manservant!"

"You have to wear something", points out Forge, "It's a costume party"

Pietro shakes his head, pulling his gun off the shelf.

"Well, this is all I need to wear right here"

"Alright", sighs Forge, "If you insist on wearing a firearm, I have something you'll find most intriguing. I designed it to go with this"

Forge pulls out a sleek black dress, and hold up a little brooch, which opens to reveal a tiny derringer.

"It's like the noisy cricket!", giggles Todd. (1)

Pietro blinks at it pointedly.

"Pietro West does not wear costumes"

"No?", blinks Todd, "what about all the stuff I found in your wardrobe…"

"SHUT UP!", screams Pietro.

"Very well", sighs Forge, "what's your plan?"

"How about this?", says Pietro, "I was thinking I'd go as a government agent, who is going to shoot and kill General Bloodbath McCreed"

"An armed Mutant cowboy costume in a room full of Southern humans", says Forge, "you'll win first prize"

"Better than a Native American walking into a room full of cowboys in the old west", mutters Pietro.

"Now listen", says Forge, ignoring his comment, "the art of disguise is whet we need to get into the party, in order to find the kidnapped scientists before they're forced to create something that will destroy the United States. You and I have been hand picked, by the president himself. Our freedom is at stake, and this is our duty as men! Now, you go as a riverboat captain and I'll be a saloon girl"

Pietro blinks.

"Let me tell you something about your beloved 'art of disguise', Forge", he says, "that night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to see that you weren't a woman"

Forge looks hurt….which is slightly frightening.

"I was propositioned by three men"

"And you should be proud of this?", asks Todd.

"You looked nasty", says Pietro, "butt ugly. I mean your breasts were…hard and stiff and sticking up like a couple of rusty cannons on a sunken ship"

Forge pulls out his fake breasts, slinging them on.

"These breasts are a work of art", he sniffs, "aesthetically and scientifically perfect"

Pietro blinks at them.

"They look like shit", he says pointedly.

Forge arches a brow.

"Touch it"

"I'm not touching those things", says Pietro

Neither realize Logan is walking past with a coffee.

"What you're afraid you're wrong?", asks Forge, "touch my breasts"

Logan. Stops. Dead.

"And the rumors start", sighs Forge.

Logan can see Forge form the back, not seeing the fact he's wearing fake boobs.

"Are you happy, Forge?", asks Pietro, reaching out, "I'm touching your breasts"

There are a few muffled snorts from backstage. Logan sighs, shaking his head in disgust.

"I knew it"

"Squeeze it gently!", frowns Forge, taking the fake breast out of it's holder, "now you've shifted all the buckwheat around!"

"Buckwheat?", asks Pietro, taking it from Forge, "that's your problem"

"What are you doing?", asks Forge.

Pietro empties the buckwheat into the sink, then fills the rbeast with water, then walks over, holding it to his chest.

"Now touch my breast"

Logan pauses again.

"Oh", blinks Forge, doing so.

"Now that's what a breast is supposed to feel like", says Pietro proudly

"Very nice", says Forge in agreement.

"Now touch yourself", says Pietro.

"Oh my god, I'm horrid!", says Forge.

Logan shakes his head.

"I'm gonna get my ears hacked off, maybe it'll be out of my memory by the time they grow back"

Forge flick his arm out, a box appearing from his sleeve. Pietro instinctively pulls a gun out on him.

"I was just going to jot down a note", says Forge, flicking open the notepad.

"You know, you could put a gun on that thing", says Pietro, tapping the pen.

"Then where would I put my pencil?", asks Forge logically..to him.

"Forge, I think you underestimate the convience of a pocket", says Pietro, heading out.

**&&&&&**

(1) – From MIB, which Will Wmith also played a lead role? Get the irony? No. Oh well.

Click on! 


	7. Masquerade!

Mutants make good cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "At this point, I think the movie just threw up it's hands and said 'Oh I just don't know'"

**&&&&&**

ACT 7 - Masquerade!

**&&&&&**

Outside the Xavier Institute, Pietro lands from where he has been hanging on the bottom of a wagon. He pauses as a violin riff starts up. (1)

"What the hell?", he blinks, then heads towards a tree to climb up.

"What are you doing here, Boy?", says Guy Spears, walking over with a glare.

Pietro takes off his hat, looking nervous.

"I sorry, Sir. I was hopin'…I was hopin' I wouldn't..", Pietro suddenly punches him in the face, making him hit the ground with a thunk, "have to break your nose"

"Oww", groans Spears from the floor.

Pietro climbs up a tree and into a room, which he looks around boredly.

"Human folks", he mutters.

"You sound and look like your dad", says Todd, "Mini Mags!"

"**I am not my father!**", snaps Pietro.

He pauses as he hears a commotion next door. He looks to see Mystique in a skimpy outfit, trailed by Kitty, Wanda and Rogue, also in skimpy outfits.

"Get your hand off me!", snaps Mystique, "put me in the dungeon with all those smell, dirty, bearded men, but I'm not getting on that"

She points at a bed, which is covered with shackles dangling down from the ceiling.

"Looks like something she'd use", says Todd thoughtfully.

"You applied for the position", says Rogue

"A standing up position!", complains Mystique, "I'm an entertainer!"

Without much care, Wanda grabs her by the neck and drags her along.

"Stop complaining, you'll enjoy it"

"I bet she would", smirks Pietro, "roooowl!"

"I will kill you", growls Mystique.

Pietro shakes his head, opening a door and heading out into a party, where everyone is in fancy dress. They suddenly and randomly burst into song.

**Masquerade!**

**Paper faces on parade! **(2)

Pietro blinks, then steps back into his room. He pauses for a few moments, opening the door to see everyone milling around boredly.

"I knew we should never have let TF watch that damn musical", says Todd, "boy, did that come back ta kick us in the butt"

Pietro goes to light a cigar, when Jubilee appears.

"Man, Todd Fan hardly ever uses me anymore!", grins Jubilee.

"That's 'cause you bore her", says Todd pointedly.

Jubilee ignores him, walking over to Pietro.

"An authentic cowboy outfit", she smirks, "what a terribly clever costume, Mr…?"

"West", says Pietro, tipping his hat, "Pietro West"

"West", says Jubilee, "well, West meets East. Jubilation East"

She grimaces.

"That's just…awful"

Pietro tips his hat again as Jubilee stalks around him in a circle, like a vulture eyeing a scrap of meat.

"Are you here alone, Mr. West?", she asks.

"Actually, I'm looking to surprise an old friend, General McCreed", says Pietro, "you haven't seen him by chance?"

"I don't think that name was on our guest list", says Jubilee, "and I would know, I'm Dr. Guthrie's personal assistant"

"Dr. Samuel Guthrie?", asks Pietro, "funny, some folks think he's dead"

"Tonight is his coming out party", says Jubilee.

"**Hah!**", laughs Pietro, "you know, it's always the quiet ones…."

"Not **that **sort of coming out!", snaps Todd, "you should know, we had one for you last year, Pie"

"That was not funny", grumbles Pietro.

Jubilee smiles, taking Pietro by the arm, leading him to the staircase.

"See anybody that looks familiar?"

Pietro spots a 'Dora' in the crowd, holding a mask to her face.

"A matter of fact, I do"

"I'm jealous", pouts Jubilee.

"Don't be", smirks Pietro.

Jubilee smiles, walking down the stairs.

"Meet me later", she purrs, "in the foyer"

With that, she disappears into the crowd.

"SCORE!", says Pietro, then walks downstairs.

He watches as Wanda, Rogue, Kitty and Jubilee start to sing in fornt of a clear wall with a spider web design.

"Cool, Peter Parker!", says Pietro.

"No…not Peter Parker", sighs Todd.

A hug statue of Lincon's head appears, wheeling into the middle of the crowd. The head explodes as Sam pokes his head out.

"Don't you just hate that song?", he asks.

Wanda and Rogue open the doors of the statue and Sam wheel out on a bizarre modified wheelchair. Thanks to special effects, it appears he has nothing from his waist down.

"This is a really had gizmo to squease into", whimpers Sam, "it hurts ma'h long legs"

"Don't care", says Todd.

"Why ya'll look like you've seen a ghost", says Sam, "It's me dear friends, alive an' kicking…..well, alive, anyway. We may have lost the war, but heaven knows we haven't lost our sense of humour. Not even when we lost a lung, a spleen, a bladder, two legs, thirty five feet of small intestine and our ability to reproduce all in the name of the South. **Do we ever lose our sense of humour?**"

"Actually, it's a good think he can't reproduce", says Todd, "there are enough Guthries as it is"

"Hey!", says Sam, hurt, "that's not nice"

"Oh yeah, Todd", says Pietro dryly, "he makes a** great** villain"

"Now a'h owe a deep debt of gratitude to our friend from across the sea for their comfort and kindness", he says, nodding at Lucas, Kurt, Rahne and Moira, who hopped over despite not being in Evo world, "so, me cassa 'e sucassa. Betcom shevu!"

"You mangled that, Sam", says Todd, "but I'll forgive you"

"Let the party begin!", grins Sam, then smirks as Pietro walks down the stairs towards him, "Mr. West. How nice of you to join us an' add genetics to these proceedings..wait a'hm a mutant too, why does this make no sense?"

"Because", says Todd simply.

"Well, when a fella comes back from the dead, I find that an occasion to **stand up**, be counted", grins Pietro.

"Miss East informs me you were expectin' ta see General McCreed here", says Sam, "well, a'h knew him years ago, but a'h haven't seen him in a 'coon's age"

"What the hell's a 'coon'?", blinks Pietro, "well, I can see why it would be difficult for a man of your stature to keep in touch with even **half** the people you know"

"Perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from bein' a **slave** to your disappointment", retorts Sam.

"Well, you know beautiful women", smirks Pietro, "they encourage you one minute, then cut the **legs** out from under you the next"

"…Will you excuse me Mr. West?", says Sam wheeling off.

"I win the match of the puns!", sheers Pietro.

Sabertooth is waiting outside of Sam's office, scratching his ear and growling. As Sam arrives, then vanish into his office.

**&&&&**

(1) – Cape Fear, anyone?

(2) – Masquerade, from The Phantom of the Opera. Sorry. I can't help it.

Onwards, ho! 


	8. A hanging

Mutants make good cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Uh, I forgot how my muscles work"

**&&&&&**

ACT 8 – A hanging

**&&&&&**

After Sam has left, Pietro heads off to do some snooping, passing by 'Dora' on the way, who is talking to a big woodsman with a big beard.

"You're in for a big surprise when you get this one in the saddle", he says, putting an arm around 'Dora' and giving the man a wink.

When he saunters off, 'Dora' lowers her mask to reveal Callisto, who looks shocked.

""Stupid cowboy", says the woodsman, obviously now Forge, "he mistake you for me"

Pietro sneaks to Sam's office, listening in on the conversation.

"Ever since the guns and the nitro were destroyed at Fat Cans", says Sabertooth, "licences an…"

"General, if a'h may interrupt", says Sam, doing so anyway, "your men will have their weapons tonight, an' my promise that they will be part of the biggest military victory of this century. So have your men here at ten o'clock tonight"

He draws an X on a map and hands it to Sabertooth.

"You, Sir are a Pip", says Sabertooth, "I would follow you inot the jaws of Cerberus itself…wait, isn't that a big three headed dog?"

"An' so you shall", says Sam, wheeling ot the exit, Sabertooth following him.

Pietro hides, then sneaks back into Sam's office, rifling around for clues. Meanwhile, Forge notices Wanda and Rogue guarding a room, Mystique screaming from within. Inside the office, Pietro makes a rubbing of the map, as Jubilee sneaks inside. She slams the door, causing Pietro to brandish a knife. She smirks, taking off her robe, revealing a corset.

"Wee!", says Pietro.

"….Hey", says Bobby sadly, "you said that was my special outfit!"

"I lied", says Jubilee, then smirks at Pietro, "I said to meet me in the foyer"

"Well, I've never been much good with French", admits Pietro, "

Jubilee smirks, leaning forward to give Pietro a snog.

"Au contraire", she says, pulling him to his feet, "So lets see Mr. West. Are you a dangerous spy of some sort, or just a handsome cowboy who likes to…poke around"

She sits on the desk, on top of Pietro's paper.

"I believe I'm that second one", says Pietro

"East and West", puurs Jubilee, "never between shall meet"

Form behind Pietro, one of the pictures on the wall comes to life, showing Façade holding a gun. Pietro, with his super-speed thing realises and jumps out of the way, shooting Façade and shooting randomly around the room, as various people fall out of the pictures with a thud. He picks up his paper and makes a break for it. He walks over to 'Dora, grabbing her arm and leading her form the dance floor.

"First of all", he says, "I would like to reiterate that you make on **ugly **woman"

"Okay", blinks 'Dora' as Pietro dances with her, "so eye patches aren't your thing…fine"

"Secondly", says Pietro, "while you were out here hopping and reeling, I found out that our host Dr. Guthrie is meeting McCreed and his troops at the beach cove in an hour"

"Whaaa?", blinks 'Dora'.

"You go right ahead and enjoy your party, I'm going to I'm going to save the republic", he says, then drums his hands on 'Doras' boobs, "by the way, boobies look great tonight, nice and perky"

'Dora' removes her mask to shoe Callisto and gasps, giving Pietro a slap.

"Damn, that felt good", grins Callisto

The crowd gaps in shock as Forge appears, still in getups, on the stairs, holding up a noose.

"Hang him!", he shouts

Pietro looks at Forge in shock as dozens of guns are trailed on him, as he is dragged outside.

"Looks like we need to teach you a little lesson on how to behave in polite society", growls Nick Fury, dragging Pietro off.

"Never drum on a white ladies boobies at a big redneck dance", says Pietro, "got it. Whoo, sure am glad we got that cleared up"

As Pietro is led to his fate, Forge is exploring. He enters the room where Mystique is being kept, finding her in a cage.

"Oh…excuse me, am I intruding?", he pauses, "….I'm sorry, but I feel as if I know you from somewhere"

"Nice try, Buster", growls Mystique.

"Please, I realise I look like something out of a lying American fable", he says, "but I assure you I mean you no harm. My name's Forge, and if I'm not mistaken, you're in trouble"

"No kidding", says Mystique dryly, "you use all your brain to figure that one out?"

"Allow me", says Forge, pulling out a saw piece.

"I'm Raven", says Mystique, "and I was hired here as an entertainer. Not that I'm complaining, but what are you doing here?"

I'm looking for some missing scientists", says Forge, leaning down to set the foot pump attached to his boot that works the saw, getting a view of Mystique's legs at the same time, "not that I'm complaining"

He yelps as Mystique kicking him in the nose.

"Mystique, you're not supposed ta do that", sighs Todd.

"He's ogling!", snaps Mystique.

"It's in the script!", protests Forge, getting back to his feet, "working the foot pump to make the drill go, trying to cut through Mystique's bars, "I'm a special U.S marshal. On assignment for the president"

'If you're so special", says Mystique, "hoe come are you up here when Guthrie has them all working in the dungeons?"

"I'm afraid the dungeon has already been cleared out, I checked", says Forge, "after sampling the gumbo, which was a bit crappy"

"….I made that gumbo", says Remy sadly.

Forge helps Mystique out, where she smirks in his arms, thunder starting outside.

"Following script!", yelps Forge.

"Thank you, Forge was it?", smiles Mystique, running off.

"It was", Forge blinks, following her, "I don't forget a face that easily…"

Outside, Pietro whistles for the mobs attention, from where he stands by a noose.

"I'd like to have everybody's attention for a moment", he calls, "I do believe we have had a series of major misunderstandings this evening and I'd like to take a minute to clear a few of them up"

He holds up one finger.

"First of which, whole drumming on the boobies thing. In my native land…"

"New York?", asks Nick.

"No, Wundagore!", says Pietro, "My ancestors use drums to communicate between villages. Now I'm sure all of you can see that with this gal, we could communicate all the way to Baton Rouge. On a clear night, we might even get Galveston!"

Everyone nods in agreement as Callisto looks down.

"…Are you saying my breasts are too big?"

"All I was saying was", Pietro mimics drumming, "'Nice dress darling. Good to see you. My name's Pietro. How's your Mamma?'. Then there was the redneck comment, and I'm getting a sense that you all took that negatively. But lets break down that word: Redneck. First word: Red. Colour of passion, fire, power. Second word: Neck….Neck. Alright, I can't think of anything for neck right now, but without it, you all still have red, and that's something to be really proud of. And between us, the whole slavery thing: I don't understand what the big deal was anyway, I mean, come on, who wouldn't want folks running around doing things for them? Doing chores, I mean, are you going to get your big fat ass out of the bed in the morning and pick your own godamn cotton? I don't think so. So come on, you all, lets head on inside! Knock us back some shine, kick this shindig the right way, come on now! Let's go inside!"

"Thatw as the longest and most bizarre speech I've ever heard", says Todd, "I'm sure you've won their hearts"

"Lets hang him!", says Freddy.

"Or not", shrugs Todd.

"Hold on", says Pietro, looking at Callisto, "I stand before you as a man who's realised I've done something wrong. Darlin', I'd like the opportunity to make it right. Will you marry me?"

Callisto gasps in shock.

"That means no", says Pietro, "Listen, would it help at all if I said I thought you was a man?"

Thud, Callisto hits the ground. Pietro falls to the ground, pulling the noose with his, it stretching with him.

"There's something funny about that damned rope!", says Nick.

"Thank you all very much, we had a lovely time!", calls Forge as his cart races past, Pietro using the elastic noose as a catapult, falling onto the cart.

"Hang him, hang him!", shouts Pietro, "I ought to shoot you right now!"

"Allow me to introduce my trigger happy partner, Pietro West", says Forge.

"Ma'm", says Pietro to Mystique.

"Who doesn't realise that my extending rope invention was part of a carefully planned diversion to allow me to search for the missing scientists", says Forge.

"Scientists", says Pietro, looking at Mystique.

"Yes", says Forge, "oh..this is Raven, I found her in a cage in Guthrie's bedroom. She's an entertainer"

"Umm…I'm afraid haven't' been quite honest with you about that", says Mystique, "My name's Raven Wyngarde, I came to find Jason Wyngarde, the scientist, my father"

"Another daughter?", asks Jason backstage, "why do I keep having daughters I don't know about, damnit!"

"Sorry to interrupt you guys", says Pietro, "but I gotta get to the beach cove", with that, he takes one of the horses, who is, of course, Jott, and unhitches it form the cart, riding off ahead.

"He's so…impetuous", says Mystique.

"Yes, he's an idiot", says Forge

**&&&&&**

Onwards! 


	9. Killing fields

Mutants make good cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Will someone get the kid a happy meal?".

**&&&&&**

From this point on, we are back to the original text, just re-written form script. Isn't that groovy?

**&&&&&&**

ACT 9 - Killing Fields.

**&&&&&&**

We open, strangely enough before shooting, where Todd is talking to a group of mutants

"Okay, people", says Todd, "you know what the plan is, right?"

"Da", nods Piotr, "I pin him down and Comrade Gambit pours the green smelly stuff in his mouth".

"Good boy!", smiles Todd

"I don't know if this 'evil formula' will have any side-effects, Toad...", starts Hank

"It doesn't matter, this scene requires **a lot** of evilness", says Todd, "and Sam just isn't evil enough".

"I **said** I should have been cast as the villain", sulks Magneto, "I'm evil enough".

"You don't have a Southern Accent", says Todd, then grins, "..oh look here he comes!".

Sam walks happily onto the set whistling, then gives everyone a wave.

"Howdy, ya'll hope everyone's feelin' fine on this lovely...", Sam pauses, "what are you doing?".

"**NOW**!", screams Todd.

The mutants tackle Sam to the ground and give him the 'evil formula', Pat pending Henry McCoy. Sam blinks sits up and grins evilly

"Meep!", squeaks Roberto, then blinks, glaring at Jamie, "ahem, I mean, don't need to panic, Jamie, nothing to be scared about".

"I'm not scared...", says Jamie, blinking.

"There there, nothing to be afraid of. Heh heh", Roberto backs away, "...I'm gonna go...sit in my trailer...not that I'm scared...'cause I'm not...".

"Mwhoahahahahhahahahahahhahaha!", laughs Evil-Sam

"Yeah, it worked!", grins Todd, "Okay, onto shooting!".

We open on the Beach Cove. In the water is a little metal tugboat, where Evil Sam, Sabertooth, The girls and a few other random people are. Evil-Sam wheels up to Sabertooth, smoking a cigar.

"Well General", he says, "it's been a loooong journey from New York".

"There's not a day goes by I don't contemplate it", says Sabertooth.

"Lookit, the idiot used a big word", snickers Logan

"Well, so do a'h. If only a'h had the scientific understanding of gunpowder and primers that a'h have today, a'h might have been standin' here", Evil-Sam pauses, "...I would be if a'h wasn't in this **NASTY MACHINE**!".

"Evil Sam scares me", whimpers Sabertooth, "...That's not what I meant".

"Oh you meant the stomach turnin' carnage that earned you your unfortunate nickname", Evil-Sam smirks, "What was it again?".

"Blood Bath McCreed, the Butcher of New York", mutters Sabertooth.

He looks out over the water to where his army are sitting on the sand)

"Should have been here by now", says Alex

"Maybe we're in the wrong place", tries Bobby.

"No, we were told to wait", says Alex, "right here".

He gets out the map and points to the X

"I know why we're here", whispers Bobby suddenly, "I read the script".

"Yeah, and I thought Todd Fan was beginning to like me….thought she was", whispers Alex, " . Blast the stupid Summers gene!".

"Want to run away?", tries Bobby.

They suddenly hear a trundling sound. They see a big, round tank coming there way, they start to cheer as it goes into the middle of them all and stops. There is nothing for a few minutes, when suddenly, cannons and guns shoot out of the tank, as it spins 360 degrees, slaughtering all of the army as it does so. Sabertooth watches this in sheer horror.

"You **are** evil and sadistic!", he says, "You betrayed us!".

"Ma'h dear General, having donated half of ma'h physical bein' to create a weapon capable of doing this, how did you and General McCoy repay my loyalty?", asks Evil-Sam, "You surrendered! So whom betrayed whom? Rogue, make note, the turret speed need to be accelerated".

"Yes, Evil-Sam, sir", says Rogue, backing off, "...don't kill me. Change gear ratio from 2.4 to 2.8".

While this is happening, Wanda is watching this from a telescope on the ship, translating the soldiers dying words

"Scream. Scream", she says in monotone, "Help me. I'm too young to die. Owww, my leg".

"You sick, sick sicko!", snaps Sabertooth, "I demand that you give the orders to stop this slaughter now!".

"We're gonna need more load and drills", says Evil-Sam in a sing-song voice, "Ah'm hearin' too much time between screams".

"I'm giving you orders to desist!", snaps Sabertooth.

"General, a'h understand your distress", says Evil-Sam, "but believe me, these men are not dyin' senselessly it is for a far greater cause that you could ever possibly imagine".

Sabertooth growls and points his gun at Evil Sam's head

"You go straight to Hell, sir!", he says.

"After you, sir", smirks Evil-Sam.

He pushes a button on his machine and it fires a mini cannon right into Sabertooth's chest, knocking him to the ground. Rahne, in wolf form, wiggles free from where Moira is sitting with Kurt and Amara and cocks her head by Sabertooth's body, right by his ear horn, a H.M.V pose.

"Blood bath McCreed indeed", says Evil-Sam, "Whaohahahahahahahahhahahahahaha".

"Please stop that", says Rahne, "... it's frightening".

Evil Sam looks at Kitty, Rogue and Wanda

"Well, that concludes the festivities", he says, "Ladies, feed him to the crabs".

He smiles, then turns to wheel over to Rahne, Moira, Kurt and Amara.

"Ladies and Gentleman, since the beginning of written history, a nation's power has been determined by the size of it's standin' army", he smirks, "Tonight, that chapter will be closed. The traditional army to say nothin' of Bayville will be extinct, laid low by a cripple, as the General amusingly implied, and mechanology".

There is a splash as Wanda, Rogue and Kitty push Sabertooth's body into the sea

"But that tank, is just a lill' o'l snack compared to what Marvel's greatest scientists are cookin' up fer me next. So if a'h have peaked your interest, bring 1000 kilograms of your countries' gold to Bayville High within the next four days. And now, if you'll excuse me, a'h have a tank to catch", Evil-Sam pauses, "...whoahahahahahaha!".

With that he wheels off, Wanda, Kitty and Rogue following behind. The tank leaves the Beach Cove, and gets onto a hidden railroad, sprouting rail-wheels and attaching to a train. A few minutes after the train has left, Pietro comes riding into the cove

"Ewwww", he says, "...lookit all the dead people".

As he looks at the circle of bodies, Forge and Mystique arrive on the horse and carriage. Forge gets out and helps Mystique down, before glancing around

"It came out of the sea, and judging by the position of the bodies, it laid down a 360 degree pattern of cannon fire", Forge grins, "Man, I'm good!".

"I think I'm going to be sick...", says Mystique

"You're an assassin!", says Forge, "You see bodies all the time!".

"Oh shut up!", snaps Mystique

"What kind of weapon did this?", asks Forge, "as if my mutant power couldn't figure it out on its own"

Pietro is leaning by an unturned wagon, looking rather upset

"It rolls on and on making a screeching sound like a wounded animal", he says, "It has a turret on top with a cannon, that swivels around like an eagle's head".

"You just said the exact same description that my grandfather gave about one of my inventions", blinks Forge, "...ahem, I mean, you've seen it?".

"Heard about it", says Pietro, "Thought it was crazy survivor stories".

"Survivors?", asks Forge, looking around at the dead bodies, giving Bobby a poke.

"Not here", says Pietro, "In New York, three mutant slave towns were south of the border. A week before the war ended in '65, I was with the united cavalry...we discovered old folks, women, children, all slaughtered. They were using them for target practise".

We suddenly hear a sound like a dying cat. Pietro frowns and walks to where Sabertooth is lying bleeding on the Seashore

"That's when I vowed to chase this yellow devil to his grave", he says

"What's wrong, West?", growls Sabertooth, "I thought you'd be glad to see me like this".

"You have him confused with Logan", says Forge unhelpfully.

"Actually, I'm kinda disappointed", says Pietro, "I wanted to kill the Butcher of New York myself".

"Go on, shoot, send me on to Hell", says Sabertooth, "But if you want the devil responsible for New York, it's Guthrie. He manned the machine there, he killed all them children, old folks, just like he killed my boys..and girls here".

"Where is he?", asks Pietro, "Where did he go?".

"Ugh, owww, oh Auntie 'Em!", cries Sabertooth, "Avenge me"

"Sabertooth, you're supposed ta die **SILENTLY**!", snaps Todd.

"Sorry", Sabertooth sighs, "...I'll never get that Oscar".

Sabertooth falls back into the water and Pietro grabs him by the front, pulling him up

"Where's he going?", Pietro screams like a girl, "**EWWWWW** I touched a dead guy!".

"I know that", says Mystique, causing both Forge and Pietro to blink at her, "I'll tell you if you take me along".

"You tell me or I'll leave you here", says Pietro pointedly.

"Touché", says Mystique, "The girls at the Boarding House, you know, they talk. 'I wonder if my hair will get frizzy in the High School humidity? Where is this Bayville High, anyway?'".

"Bayville High!", Forge groans, "...God, I hate that place, my prison for 20 years, why do I have to go back **THERE**!".

"Change that to ten years and being a principle and I can ditto you...", says Mystique

"Annnnd cut!", says Todd

"Toad, the evil formula", Hank clears his throat, "...I found there to be a problem...".

"Is it a happy problem, or a sad problem?", asks Todd, "because I really don't want a sad problem".

"Well, Sam will return to normal by the next act", Hank says, "...though it appears he may have a split personality for the duration of the parody.. slipping into and out of his evil mind from time to time".

"I need this like a need a hole in the head...", sighs Todd.

"A'hm all better now...so a'h can", Deranged-Sam twitches, "... **CUT OFF YOUR PINKIE FINGERS! WHAOAHHAHAHAHHAHAH**!".

"...Oh dear", says Hank.

**&&&&&&&**

Onwards! 


	10. Behind every good man

Mutants make good cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "You've reached the Szalinskis. At the sound of the beep, please leave your message, your fax or your binary file".

**&&&&&**

ACT 10 - Behind every good man...

**&&&&&**

We open on the train, where Logan is leaning back on the couch, reading a bikers magazine, despite it being the 1800's. Pietro walks past him, snatching the book from him.

"Let's go Logan", says Pietro, "Bayville High".

"I was readin' that!", snaps Logan, "Aye aye **SIR**".

As Pietro sits down, Forge looks out of the window sadly

"I don't understand why we couldn't bum her a ride back to the Mansion", he says, "...it is on the way".

Mystique is stood outside on the platform, still wearing her skimpy clothing, and still covered with Forge's coat

"We're on the way to Bayville High, where our president happens to be", points out Pietro, "How do you feel about that little coincidence?".

Forge sighs as the train pulls off, Mystique gives him a coy wave)

"Forgey", she calls.

Forge crosses his arms and pouts

"We wouldn't have even known where Guthrie was going if it hadn't been for her", he sulks, "Isn't it a bit ungracious, if not perilous".

"Have you been hanging around with Beast again? You're talking like him", blinks Pietro, "If she'd have got on the train, she'd have been in our way, she and I would have ended up in the saddle...even if it's adultery",

"That's funny", says Forge, "I got the feeling she was much more interested in me".

"Yeah, right", snorts Pietro.

The train chugs on until it's a little later, where Forge is inside cooking, a chef hat on his head

"You know, I've been trying to place myself in Guthrie's shoes", he says

"Good luck", says Pietro.

"Hey guys, that wasn't nice, a'hll", Sam twitches, "**DRIVE POKERS UNDER YOUR FINGERNAILS**!".

Hank hits Sam/Evil Sam with a tranq dart and drags him away

"Okey dokey...", blinks Forge, "What could this demented maniac with no reproductive organs want with Raven?".

As Forge is babbling away in the kitchen, unknown to him, Mystique has just fallen thought the roof hatch. Pietro points a gun at her before sighing and putting the gun down. Forge, having not noticed this, still carries on

"This is not to say that Raven doesn't posses a beauty worthy of a Shakespeare sonnet or a Monatchelli painting", he says, "The curvature of her buttocks and the swell of that magnificent bosom so full, so sumpcious, so..."

He turns around and sees Mystique sitting down with a raised eyebrow

"...So what were all those foreign ministers doing at Guthrie's party?", he says in a squeaky-voice, "This is what really puzzles me. Did you ever know there were so many, and so foreign so.."

As Pietro walks up, he drops his voice

"How long has she been here?".

"Somewhere around Montachelli's buttocks", grins Pietro.

Mystique meanwhile has got up and started to eat the food on the table. Forge bangs his head on the wall before walking over to her and smiling

"I am really, really, really, **REALLY** sorry..."., says Forge

"Allow me to spare you the embarrassment", says Pietro, "Make yourself an sandwich, you're getting off the train".

Mystique scowls at Pietro before sighing)

"I know why those foreign guys were at Guthrie's party", she says, tasting the food Forge has just cooked, "Mmmmmm this is fantastic, I mean, how do you cook it? You can cut it with a fork".

"It's a French recipe that I can't pronounce", says Forge with a nod, causing Todd to smack his head with his script.

"Foreign ministers", sighs Pietro impatiently.

"Oh", Mystique blinks, "They were mad at something. Something about some real bad dealings with the sharing of Bayville Land...".

Pietro mutters under his breath and calls into the phone connected up front

"Logan, stop the train", he says, "Miss Wyngarde is getting off".

"Who the Hell is Miss Wyngarde?", asks Logan over the speaker.

"I'm a poor, starving, half-naked young woman who only wants to find her father", calls Mystique

"Half-naked!", asks Logan

"Logan, stop the train", says Pietro again.

"We're not putting anyone out here in the middle of nowhere", says Logan, "especially if their half naked!".

Mystique gets up from the table and walks coyly over to Pietro

"Please, Pie, my father's the only family I have left", she says, "What am I supposed to do? Sit around and wait for news that he's been killed, or go do something? What would you do, Pie?".

"I don't have anything against you, Raven", he says, "The only thing that worries me is what's gonna happen when we catch up to Guthrie and you're still on this train".

Mystique gives Pietro some 'puppy eyes')

"Oh, Pie, I know you'd never let him take me back. I've seen you shoot", she groans, "...adultery suit, here I come".

She gives Pietro a kiss, making Forge fall out of his chair and try to scramble up to his feet with as much dignity as he can muster

"Raven, let me assure you that any attack by Guthrie would be an exercise in futility", he says, "Allow me to demonstrate how some of my designs have made the Wanderer completely impervious to attack".

He leads her to the pool table in the middle of the room

"I kissed an older person", grimaces Pietro, "...eeeewwwww!".

"I am **not** old!", snaps Mystique.

"I said old**ER**, didn't I!", snaps Pietro.

"Hey, we're wastin' daylight here people!", shouts Todd

"It's night time", points out Forge

"Just keep actin'!", growls Todd.

"Testy, testy", tuts Forge, "Over here, three seemingly innocent billiard balls, yes?".

He proceeds to juggle them

"But to press the number on the ball it becomes a sleeping bomb effective in under three seconds. Groovy, huh?", he grins, "So put your mind at ease, you are completely safe within these walls".

Mystique giggles coyly when he touches her cheek only to have Pietro storm through the middle of them

"I don't know about you, ma'm, but I'm certainly gonna sleep better assuming that Guthrie wants to barge in here and play a game of pool", says Pietro.

"And speaking of sleep, I'm really tired, Forgey", says Mystique, "do you think I could borrow something to wear?".

"I have just the...", starts Forge

: "I got something, it 'aint stylish, but it wont explode when you put it on either", smiles Pietro.

"That would be nice", says Mystique, blinking,

She heads off to the back of the train. A little while later, Pietro and Forge are lying down on separate couches in the main room of the train

"Guthrie's kidnapped a few Metallurgists, so whatever he's building is gonna have armour, he's kidnapped a couple of Chemists, so it's gonna have explosives, and according to you, Raven's father is the foremost expert in hydraulics in the world, so the things gotta move", Pietro frowns, "What the Hell could he be building that's gonna make the President surrender the Bayville government?".

"A bedside heater", says Forge suddenly.

Pietro blinks a few times

"...What?".

"Raven, she needs a bedside heater, it gets quite chilly back there...", says Forge.

"You mean to say I memorised that long speech and you didn't even LISTEN to it?", gasps Pietro, "That's exactly what I was talking about, the distraction".

"What?", asks Forge

"I give up", sighs Pietro.

Mystique suddenly appears from the cabin, wearing Pietro's all-in-one-under suit

"Well, goodnight", she smiles, "and thank you for saving me".

"Goodnight ma'am", says Pietro.

Mystique turns around and starts to walk away, the back flap of the suit hanging open, revealing a blue butt

"Raven", starts Pietro, "...that outfit...".

Mystique turns to face them again)

"...Is most becoming I hope it's", Forge blinks, "..umm".

"It's not too...breezy..back there", adds Pietro, "...if there's anything...".

"Anything at all...", says Forge

"I'll be right here", they say in unison.

"Oh, aren't you boys sweet!", giggles Mystique, "Well, sweet dreams".

"Whore", says Storm from backstage.

With that, she walks away again, giving another show of blue butt before she shuts the cabin door

"I told you she'd be a distraction", says Pietro.

"She's not a distraction", says Forge, "It's nice having her on board. She's a breath of fresh ass".

"Pardon me?", asks Pietro.

"What?", blinks Forge

"You said ass", says Pietro pointedly.

"No I didn't", says Forge, "I said it's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air".

Pietro shakes his head

"You are one messed up little 70's guy", he says, "Lets just get some shut ass".

They start to fall asleep when Forge sits up on his couch

"Hey!".

"And cut!", says Todd.

Mystique comes out, giving Pietro and Forge a thwak each upside the head

"That's for ogling!", she snaps.

**&&&&&**

Clickety click, lickety split! 


	11. The short, but inevitable capture sequen

Mutants Make Good Cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "The Happy Event is to take place tomorrow afternoon, so the next time I write in this diary, Mother will be dead. How odd - yet how pleasing".

**&&&&&&**

ACT 11 - The short, yet inevitable capture sequence.

**&&&&&&**

The next morning, the Wanderer is still chugging along, Logan at the wheel...or whatever. He sees Evil-Sam's train a few feet in front of them, chugging along

"We found them, yep, yep we did", says Logan "Can I get a beer for finding them?".

Inside the main carriage, Forge and Pietro blink)

"...Not just yet", says Forge, "Just maintain speed, Logan".

"Well, fine!", snaps Logan.

Pietro is happily shining his boots when a tiny dagger blade shoots out of the toe-cap of the boot he is cleaning

"Aghhhh! I'm a Logan clone too!", he screams, "oh no…wait. Forge, what is that!".

"It's a dagger", says Forge, "I took the liberty of installing it while you were sleeping".

Forge hums happily and starts to head to the front of the train

"I could have taken my **hand** off", he snaps.

"...That was a low blow", says Forge

"I know", smirks Pietro, "Don't take liberties with my things!".

"There it is again", says Logan, "the kinky-slash-ness!"

"I'm starting to worry about you Pietro", says Forge

"I. Am. Not. Fruity!", screams Pietro, "And don't touch any of my stuff again, ever!".

"Fine", says Forge, then mutters under his breath, "I've only made one or two other additions to your wardrobe".

"What?", calls Pietro.

"Nothing", laughs Forge.

At the front of the train, Logan is staying on the Sam's train's tail. They enter a dark tunnel. When they come out the other side, Sam's train is nowhere in sight

"Oh man, this is **just** like a Roadrunner cartoon!", says Logan.

"Todd Fan had just excitedly realised the Forge is spookily like Wile. and Pietro is spookily like the Roadrunner", says Todd, "She wanted that to be said".

Pietro and Forge blink

"Errr...MeepMeep?", tries Pietro.

"..I want a new job", sighs Forge.

From behind the Wanderer, four poles suddenly fall down, revealing Sam's train on them. The poles tuck back inside and Sam's train starts to follow the Wanderer. Forge notices this from the back window of the train

"Pietro?", asks Forge

"Yes?"

"If we are perusing Guthrie, then why is he **behind** us?", he asks.

The front of Sam's train suddenly fires a cannonball (ba dum bum) at the Wanderer

"...That's why", says Pietro.

The cannonball narrowly misses the Wanderer, hitting a mountain instead. Pietro grabs the elastic rope when Mystique appears out of the cabin room, dressed in a night gown

"Can I at least wear **normal** clothes!", she asks.

"...No", says Todd.

"What's going on!", asks Mystique

"Err...nothing, it's fine", says Forge, "...get down".

"...Ok", blinks Mystique.

She sits down and hides behind a chair, muttering about having a stupid feminine role. Meanwhile, Pietro lies on the pool table, holding the elastic rope

"Why don't you push that little magic button?", he asks.

"What are you doing **NOW**?", asks Forge

"We'll see if your aggressor Invention works. Then again, it was made by you, so it'll probably zap us into another dimension, or bring out flesh eating dinosaurs", Pietro pauses, "..which I missed the first time around because I was..errr...busy with my dates".

"Idiot", says Forge, "We need a plan".

"Push. The. Button!", snaps Pietro.

"Fine, go ahead and die, see if I care", says Forge.

He presses the 'do not press' button and the Pool Table slides under the train again, complete with Pietro

"He's so courageous", sighs Mystique, then gacks, "...oh dear lord, **GAG ME WITH A FISH**!".

Under the train, the pool table lowers Pietro down to the tracks, making a small flat piece of metal for him to lie on

"Can you pull on one of those pool cues for me?", asks Forge

"It won't blow up...will it?", asks Mystique cautiously.

"No", says Forge.

Mystique pulls on a pool cue and a bunch of cogs with a wheel comes up from the floor, which Forge begins to wind

"You know, courage is only as good as the machinery which supports it", he says.

"Is that why your such a wuss then?", smiles Mystique pleasantly.

"...I hate you", says Forge

The trolley-thing that Pietro is on starts to slowly move under the train, Pietro gives them a wave as he appears under them in a hole on the floor. Just as the trolley is free of the Wanderer, the rope snaps and the cogs that Forge was turning start to spark

"And here we go", groans Mystique.

Pietro's trolley starts to slide **very** quickly along the rails, Pietro still attached to it

"Agggrrrrhhhhhh", he screams, "Fooorrrrrggggge!".

"Err..oopsie?", says Forge with a shrug.

Pietro shuts his eyes as his trolley sides under Sam's train, he opens them in time to se a hook which he throw the elastic rope onto. The rope stops him from going any further, but starts to poinging him back and forth. He finally makes a desperate jump, landing on the train and climbing onto the roof. He goes to put the lid on the train's funnel, only to have Beast come at him from behind and try to strangle him

"How refreshingly pleasing it is to try and strangle one of these horrible teenagers", smiles Hank.

Pietro struggles with him for a bit before hitting the heel of his boot on the ground, the dagger popping out of his boot. He happily jabs Hank his the chest, killing him

"Todd Fan would like to point out that this is a novelty dagger, the kind that is plastic and goes into itself, giving the appearance of stabbing", says Todd, "She would **never** let any of the mutants loose with weapons like that".

Inside the train, Rogue is looking through a periscope, while Evil Sam (as he has transformed again) is watching her

"A'h have them square in ma'h sights", Rogue grimaces, "..ugh, sire".

"As do a'h Rogue, as do a'h", says Evil-Sam

He grins evilly from where he is inches from Rogue ass

"You touch my ass and I'll touch you", warns Rogue, "with ma'h **bare** hand".

On the roof, Pietro dumps Beast's 'body' into the tunnel, making the pressure of the train rise)

"Inhaler..."., coughs Hank.

"Fire away!", shouts Evil-Sam..

Rogue shoots the cannon at the Wanderer, Mystique and Forge scream in terror and duck as a **HUGE** harpoon shoots through the train, firing out long pole so it stays in. Sam's train explodes in the front, coming to a stop, dragging the Wanderer to a stop with it. Pietro leaps from the roof to the ground below. Inside the Wanderer, Mystique finally looses the plot

"That's it!", screams Mystique, "I won't let Guthrie take me away, I'd rather be dead!"

She grabs one of the snooker balls.

"..That's not a good thing to wish for...", says Forge

Mystique gives a terrified whimper, grabbing Forge and dragging him into a closet with her

"Hussy!", screams Storm.

"...This...really can be good", blinks Forge

"Please, Forgey, don't leave me alone!", whimpers Mystique, then glares at him, "You touch me, I'll take away your other arm..and maybe a foot".

Evil-Sam, Wanda, Rogue, and Jean walk (or wheel) into the Wanderer

"Ladies, we need a new train", smiles Evil-Sam.

In the closet, Mystique is still freaking out

"Raven, give me the ball", Forge blinks, "...that sounded so very, very wrong".

"That it did", says Mystique, "I won't!".

"I have a plan", says Forge

Pietro stumbles into the Wanderer and knocks on the closet door

"I don't **want** to know what you two are doing in there", he calls.

"It's Guthrie!", screams Mystique

"No, it isn't", says Forge, "For a start, Pietro doesn't have a Southern Accent"

"It's a trick!", screams Mystique

Mystique pressed the number on the snooker ball as Pietro opens the door. She drops it to the floor as gas fills the room

"And now we go unconscious", says Forge.

And they do.

**&&&&&&**

Onwards, I say! 


	12. Big minds make fun mental breakdowns

Mutants Make Good Cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I got your four basic food groups- beans, bacon, whiskey and lard"

**&&&&&**

ACT 12 - Big minds make fun mental breakdowns

**&&&&&&**

We open to the daytime, where Forge and Pietro are sitting on the outside of a cornfield, back to back. Each have a metal collar around their necks and are surrounded by a small circle of wire.

"An innocent billiard ball this way, but, you press the number in and on impact it ruins our mission", says Pietro sarcastically, imitating Forge's voice.

Pietro turns around to give Forge a **GLARE** before standing up to leave, Forge quickly grabs his leg

Whoah", says Forge, "...don't do that!".

"...Forge, let go of my leg", says Pietro.

Forge sighs and stand up

"Listen to me. Guthrie has installed us with the same metal devices we found on Kelly", he says, "You remember Kelly, right, the **HEAD**!".

"...Oh...", Pietro blinks, "I don't wanna be a head!".

Suddenly, Sam's voice comes from a megaphone from his train

"Good mornin' gentlemen a'h..."., Sam begins to twitch.

"Oh dear Gods, it's happening again!", cries Todd

"**Mwhoahahahahhahahahhahaha**!", laughs Evil-Sam, "where was a'h, oh yes. A'h trust you slept well, tee hee".

"What have you done with Raven?", asks Forge

"Raven's fiiiiiiine. She's sleepin' off the after-effects in the state room. She IS lovely, isn't she. Who knows, a'h might become", Evil-Sam smirks, "...heh heh..familiar with her ma'hself".

"I don't like scary Evil-Sam anymore", whimpers Pietro, "..can we have a new villain until he gets better?".

"No, we're too into the movie and need all the money for the scenes ahead", says Todd, "...unless you two don't survive this scene, then we're okay".

"Survive?", blinks Forge

"Guthrie, that would be one more reason for me to kill you", growls Pietro.

"Oh yes, Mr West, a'hm sure to a no doubt well endowed mutant like yourself it must seems impossible that a freak like me could fully enjoy...", Evil-Sam makes a funny noise, then looks at his script, "**EWWWWWW**! A'hm not readin' that. Unclean, unclean!".

"But...", Todd sighs.

"Yuck yuck yuck"., says Sam

"Fine, we'll **skip** this and get onto Todd Fan's favourite bits", say Todd, "as she is screaming at me to carry on".

"Thank you", smiles Sam, "Full steam ahead!".

In the engine, we see Wanda pointing a gun at Logan, who sighs and starts the Wanderer on it's way

"What a marvellous train", says Sam, "You don't mind me borrowin' it, do you gentlemen? Aside from the no wheelchair access, a'h find it more than comfortable to spend ma'h long journey from here to ma'h laboratory in Bayville High. By the way, ah'll be seein' President LeBeau soon, what should a'h tell him for you? A'hm afraid it can't be that you're alive and well. **BUH BYE**".

Pietro and Forge blink as the Wanderer chugs away

"Okay, get your little tool kit out, Forge get this thing off my neck", says Pietro.

Forge goes to turn his arm into it's tool function and nothing happens

"What the", he blinks, "...hey, this is my **SPARE** bionic arm...damn".

"Don't tell me that it doesn't turn into tools", sighs Pietro.

"Okay...I won't tell you", says Forge.

Pietro looks like he's about to cry, as Forge picks up a piece of paper from his pocket, and begins to read it

"Gentlemen, welcome to Guthrie's happy-death camp", he says, "There are no guards, no barbed wire, just stay within your designated area and you'll survive. Have a nice day, Sam Guthrie"

"I don't have time for this", says Pietro.

Pietro steps over the wire boundary

"**NO!**", cries Forge

There is a metallic hum, and no more. Pietro shrugs and dances over the wire again. There is suddenly a chugging noise, and a machine shoots out two razor sharp spinning discs of death

"...And now we have to run", says Forge.

Screaming in terror, Forge and Pietro take off into the cornfield, being followed by the discs. Pietro, not surprisingly, is running ahead

"Fine, leave me to die, see if I care!", he calls, "The collars around our neck seem to contain powerful magnets. Ad long as we can out-run the blades, we'll be fine".

"Forge, how long does it take for a magnet to lose it's power?", asks Pietro.

"About 400 years", says Forge

"**DAMN**!", snaps Pietro

Backstage, Magneto, who is **REALLY** control the magnetics, is having **A LOT** of fun...more than one should while controlling objects that could behead two people

"Tee hee", he giggles, "Can I chop off Pietro's head, please?".

"No", says Todd.

Meanwhile, Pietro and Forge are still running through the cornfield for dear life, when they eventually come to either side of a deep gorge in the middle. The blades swing back and head for them again

"Quick", says Pietro, "jump into my arms".

Forge looks at Pietro, then down at the gorge

"No".

The blades come ever closer and both Forge and Pietro yelp and jump into the gorge, meeting each other in the middle, as they fall, down the gorge, the blades also meet where they were in the middle, exploding. Pietro and Forge, meanwhile, fall allllllllllll the way down the gorge into a pool of brown mud, to which they are up to their necks. Pietro snuffles for a second, before sneezing, spraying Forge with snot and brown, goopy mud.

"...Bless you", he says through gritted teeth.

"Sorry", shrugs Pietro.

Meanwhile, on the Wanderer, Sam is talking to Mystique, who is idly filing her nails

"Raven, ma'h dear, not that a'hm not grateful to those idiots for bringin' you back to me", says Sam, "but a'hm just slightly curious as to how you ended up with them in the first place".

"Well, they seemed **so** sure that they could find you that I thought if I stayed with them, they'd bring me back to all my friends", says Mystique, "Not to give you a big head, but I kind of missed you".

Sam blinks a few times

"Kurt's mother, Kurt's mother. Kurt's **MOTHER**", he chants, "Okay, ahem. A'h kind of miss me too".

They laugh an clink champagne glasses. We skip scenes to where Forge and Pietro have got out of the mud and are trudging along

"So, Forge", says Pietro, "what's your plan for getting this thing off my neck?".

Forge's eye twitches ever so slightly before he turns to look at Pietro

"Excuse me?", he asks.

"Well...that's what you're here for", says Pietro, waving his arms around, "You're the master of this mechanical...stuff".

Forge blinks, before smiling...but not in a good way

: "Hah ha ha. Oh now I see", he says, "I'm the master of this mechanical stuff".

He frowns, Pietro takes a small step backwards...Forge is starting to scare him

"As opposed to five minutes ago when I was calmly and coolly trying to find an intelligent solution to this very problem. But then something happened, someone, who will remain nameless...", Forge pauses for breath, "**PIETRO WEST**!".

Pietro blinks as his name echoes through the canyon

"Decided to jump over the wire, thereby providing us with that exhilarating **romp** through the cornfield, and that death-defying leap into the **abysmal** muck", continues Forge, getting slightly hysterical, "And here we stand, while that demented maniac is **hurtling **towards our president on our one and only mode of transportation, with Raven as his prisoner, armed with God-knows what machinery of mass destruction with the simple intention of overturning our government and taking over the country".

"...Look, Forge", says Pietro, "I think you need to calm down..."

Forge's eyes get that **LITTLE** bit wider

"I can't be calm, nonononono", he says, "I'm the **MASTER** of the **MECHANICAL STUFF**! I have to help you! **YOU**, the master of the **STUPID** stuff!".

"...I think Forge has finally crossed that fine line between genius and insanity", blinks Todd.

"You want to get your collar off?. Well I'll **get** it off!", snaps Forge, "I don't have a gun, otherwise I'd **SHOOT** it off! Here's something!".

He looks around on the ground and picks up a rock)

"In true Pietro West style", he says, "I'll just **BASH IT WITH A ROCK**!".

"Forge", say Pietro carefully, "...you don't want to do that".

"Oh, but I **DO**!", grins Forge

Witch that, he gives the collar around Pietro's neck an almighty THWAK with the rock. There is a funny humming noise and suddenly, Pietro and Forge's collars get stuck together

"What did you do?", snaps Forge

"I didn't do **ANYTHING**!", yells Pietro.

"Yes you did", says Forge, "You obviously reversed the polarity of your magnet".

"I didn't do **ANYTHING**!", repeats Pietro, "Stay still".

Forge gives Pietro daggers but stops trying to pry free of the collar

"I'm gonna put my foot on your chest and push off", says Pietro.

Pietro does so, but he uses the boot with the knife in. The knife pops out and sticks to Forge's collar, leaving Pietro stuck lying on the floor

"...You alright?", asks Forge

"Yeah, I'm just peachy!", snaps Pietro, "Can you help me get my boot off, please?".

Forge yanks Pietro's boot off and Pietro flies forward his collar hitting Forge's belt with a thunk, Forge's bionic arm attracting to his own collar

"...That's my belt buckle", blinks Forge

"Forge", say Pietro carefully, "...when you're telling your grandkids this story…you make sure you leave this part out".

"Don't worry", says Forge.

"Okay. Forge, I'm gonna undo your belt and I'm gonna run as fast as I can that way, and you're gonna run as fast as you can that way", explains Pietro.

"Let me make sure I understand your plan. You're gonna run as fast as you can that way and I'm gonna run as fast as I can the other way?", Forge rolls his eyes, "...it's ingenious".

"Yeah, whatever, Forge", says Pietro, "One, two, three".

Pietro unclips Forge's belt and both mutants run for dear life in opposite directions. A few seconds later we hear 'arggggghhhhhs' as they are dragged back to have their collars stuck together again

"This is **SO **much fun!", giggles Magneto backstage

Pietro and Forge fall down another hill, until they fall down the edge into a river. Forge blinks as he sees something floating beside him.

"Hey, my spare tool kit, I forgot all about it", says Forge, "...it must have slipped out of my pocket".

Pietro, looks at the tool kit, then turns around very slowly to glare at Forge

"Your pocket?", he asks, "Why wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that **SHOOTS OUT YOUR ASS**!".

"That's the first place Guthrie would have looked", says Forge

"...Y'know...you worry me", says Pietro.

**&&&&&&**

Tee hee, oh I had SOOOOO much fun writing that scene. In fact, it was THAT scene that made me chose my two leads in the first place. So yeah, love it. I always thought that Gordon's (for those that don't know the movie, that is Forge's character) breakdown would be **GREAT** with Forge. Click on! 


	13. On the lone praire

Mutants Make Good Cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "This Colombo...he pretends to be stupid, but really he's smart as a tack".

**&&&&&&**

ACT 13 - On the lone prairie

**&&&&&&**

We have moved to night time in the desert. Pietro and Forge have by some miracle managed to make a small fire, on which Pietro is roasting a lizard on a stick

"Just for the record", says Pietro, "...this is gross".

Pietro starts to eat the Lizard On A Stick (TM) heartily

"Y'know.", says Pietro, "..this isn't that bad, want some?"

He offers some to Forge who looks like he has grown two heads

"Err...I think I'll pass. I'm fine...not quite myself out here", Forge rolls his eyes, "...despite growing up in a desert...huh".

"Forge, we talked about this...", sighs Todd.

"Fine", Forge blinks, "...Pietro, there's a very large spider on your hand".

"Yeah, like I'm falling for **that **one!", snorts Pietro, "Hah".

"There, look!", says Forge, pointing.

Pietro looks and gives a whimper as a tarantula crawls on his hand

"Remember, you're supposed to be nonchalant about this...", says Todd.

"**You** be nonchalant when you have a **huge** spider crawling around on **your** hand!", snaps Pietro, taking a few calming breaths before giving his best nonchalant shrug he can, "He's just trying to get warm".

Pietro looks at the spider, then puts his hand on the ground, letting it wander off

"I swear I was **THAT** close to death", says Pietro.

"Wimp", says Forge, "How do you know so much about the desert anyway?".

"I lived out here as a boy", says Pietro, "Was raised by the Indians".

Dead. Silence

"Forge!", snaps Todd.

"We prefer the term 'Native American'", says Forge, "Naa móhe vo'êstane vé'keemahpe néxo'oma'ó'haehe?"

"...Tooooaaad", whines Pietro, "He's doing it again!".

"Forge, we are well aware that this chapter is very false with Pietro being raised by In..", starts Todd

"**AHEM**", says Forge

"...Native Americans", sighs Todd, "But **YOU **are supposed to be playing an English gentlemen, so just play the role so we can all go home, huh?".

"Fine", mutters Forge.

"And Todd Fan can't remember what you said now anyway", says Pietro.

Pietro checks through his notes quickly, then points at a wasp flying around the spider that had been on his hand

"Take a look at this, that's a desert wasp", he says, "on of the world's greatest hunters".

"...I know", says Forge

Pietro leafs through his notes again

"She'll kill the tarantula, and lay her eggs inside it so the babies have something to eat when they hatch", Pietro grimaces, "...ewe".

"...Now I'm **really** hungry. So, how did your parents, who I assume were Mutants, feel about you being raised by Native Americans?", Forge pauses, "...Wait, is this thing hinting there's something **WRONG** with that? If there is, I'm walking out, right now".

"No one is dissing your heritage, Forge", says Todd, then rolls his eyes, "Yeah, great idea Todd Fan, pick Forge to play in a Western, bravo!"

_Do **YOU** want to be the next thing to be roasted on a stick?_

"No, m'am!", squeaks Todd.

"Well, they didn't have too much to say about it. I was sent to another mutant plantation as a boy, ran away as soon as my legs were strong enough to take me", Pietro thinks, "...I think I was three".

"Did you ever see your family again?", asks Forge

"...Yeah they were at the camp in New York", says Pietro, "**DUN DUN DUUUUUUN**".

"We done with the dramatics now?", asks Forge, "I'll help you get him, Pie".

"Oh dear God, are we **BONDING**?", asks Pietro, horrified.

"I really, **REALLY** hope not", says Forge

"Let's sing campfire songs!", grins Todd.

We move to the next day, where Pietro and Forge are walking along, trying to head in the right direction of where Sam vanished. Forge is carrying his metal collar around as they walk

"You really have no idea where we're going", asks Forge, "...do you?".

"I know **EXACTLY **where we're going", says Pitero, "We're going to Bayville High. We'd be getting there a lot faster if you weren't dragging that thing around".

"A lot of scientific ingenuity and hard work went into the making of this", says Forge, "It'd be a shame to just throw it away".

"Plus, it's stuck to your metal arm", snickers Pietro.

"...That too", says Forge, "Besides, you never know when a high powered magnet can come in haaaaanndyy".

Forge is suddenly thrown to the ground and dragged through the desert by the collar, eventually clunking to a stop on a railroad hidden by sand

"Oww", says Forge

"Well, Forge, when you're right, you're right", smiles Pietro.

"Guthrie's private track", says Forge.

After a loooong walk, Forge and Pietro make it to Bayville High, where the Wanderer is parked, Forge gives the machine a pat

"This is not a mirage. This is real", he says, "And that..."

"Is Bayville High", says Pietro, "So Mr Plan Man, what now?"

"Not the Master of the Mechanical Stuff anymore, huh?", asks Forge

"That made you go crazy", shudders Pietro, "I won't call you **THAT** again"

"What do we have? We have intelligence", Forge pauses to consider, "...okay I have intelligence..."

"**HEY**!", snaps Pietro, "that's only partly true!"

"We have a sense of purpose. We have the element of surprise", says Forge, "So, what does Guthrie have?"

They walk to the edge of a cliff overlooking Bayville High to see the school has been transformed into a **HUGE** metal building, which machinery everywhere

"...Well...he has his own city", admits Forge

It is then the ground starts to shake and Sam and the girls rise up on a platform, luckily not seeing either Forge or Pietro. As the platform rises, we see it is the 'head' of a giant mechanical spider, which starts to move over the pair

"...He has an eighty foot tarantula", blinks Pietro.

"Yes", says Forge, "...well I was coming to that".

"Nice to see an invention that works", says Pietro.

"For your sake, I'll pretend I didn't hear that", says Forge, narrowing his eyes.

The final leg of the spider hits a clod of rock behind them, showering them in dirt before heading over to an area surrounded by huge rocks

"Look, he's trapped", says Forge, "that thing'll never get past those rocks".

The spider pauses, before a **HUGE** canon comes out of the front, shattering the rocks into nothingness before carrying on, on its merry way

"...I wanna go home", whimpers Pietro.

**&&&&&&&**

You know what to do by now 


	14. Count the Cajuns

Mutants Make good Cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "We've done a lot of things we're not proud of; robbing graves, plundering tombs, double parking... but nobody got hurt. Well, maybe somebody got hurt but nobody we knew".

**&&&&&&&&**

ACT 14 - Count the Cajuns

**&&&&&&&&**

On board the Wanderer, Pietro is preparing for battle. He flicks a lever next to a bunch of mirrors, the mirrors sliding away to reveal a bunch of guns hidden in the wall. He picks up a nasty looking weapon, then goes looking for Forge, who is sitting at his desk, a notepad in hand

"Come on letsgoletsgoletsgo, I wanna shoot Guthrie!", says Pietro, "Lets ride...you do know how to ride, don't you?".

"Yes, I know how to ride", says Forge

"A horse?", tries Pietro.

"What else would I", Forge shakes his head, "...you have a **sick** mind, Pietro".

"I know. How about we go **NOW**?", asks Pietro, "There's a gigantic spider stomping towards our President".

"I was just thinking of another spider", says Forge, "You remember when we were in the desert and that little wasp destroyed the tarantula...".

"The wasp had a **slight **advantage", says Pietro, "it could fly".

"Exactly. In 1540, Leonardo Da Vinci designed a flying machine, but he never finished it", says Forge, "Now, with some extrapolation and a bit of imagination, I can..".

"Forge, we don't have the time for any of your plans or half-baked inventions", says Pietro.

"...That hurt", says Forge sadly.

"Get over it", says Pietro, "We got to stick to what we each do best".

"...That **IS** what I do best", says Forge.

"Shut up", says Pietro.

Pietro and Forge ride out into the desert on horses that have magically appeared from nowhere

"Neigh neigh", says Jott, "...again".

"I'm a horse rear", says Kelly in the other horse, "...after they **kill** me, they make me a horses ass!".

"I'm the **HEAD**", laughs Duncan, "Hahahhahahaha".

"I hate you", says Kelly.

Meanwhile, Remy is at a railroad, reading from an inscription on the final track nail

"May dis pin unite de two halves of Bayville as does dis railroad", he says, as everyone claps, "And Remy thought dat was pretty crappy".

He puts the pin into the ground and goes to hammer it in, only for it to jump out of it's hole, he tries three more times.

"Tee hee", giggles Magneto.

"Dis is gettin' ridiculous", says Remy, "Gambit has a bar mitzvah to attend!"

Remy turns around to see the mechanical spider running towards him

"...**WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE**!", screams Lucid.

The crowds start to scatter, running all over the place while Remy stays exactly where he is. The spider stops in front of Remy and lowers it's head so the control panel is lower down

"Well isn't this a coincidence a'hm out for a little mornin' ride, and right into the middle of nowhere a'h run into General Remy LeBeau himself", says Sam, "We've never been properly introduced, a'hm Dr Samuel Guthrie, former confederate of the Bayville army".

"...Big...spider", blinks Remy, "Yes, Dr Guthrie...dat's a fine lookin' spider you have dere. What can I do for you today?".

"A'h have a humble abode nearby, a'h hope you'll accept ma'h hospitality", says Sam, "A'h have a little proposition to make".

"Dere will be many a night I will regret askin' dis but", Remy sighs, "...what kind of proposition?".

"The immediate and unconditional surrender of Bayville to the Guthrie allegiance", Sam gives a sweet smile, "...please"

"I didn't realise we were at war, you have me at a disadvantage", the Cajun chuckles, "...Remy forgot to bring his fly swatter".

Sam suddenly begins to twitch.

"Hit the deck!", shouts Wanda

"Bite this, filthy Swamp Rat!", shouts Evil-Sam.

He flicks a lever, sending a missile which blows up Remy's train

"...Oh...poo", says Remy.

"How about now?", smirks Evil-Sam.

Suddenly, Remy steps out from behind the wreaked train...2 Remys...okay

"In matters pertaining to war", says Remy 2, "de person to talk to would be me".

"And...you are?", blinks Evil-Sam.

"De President of Bayville", says Remy 2, "Dis man is an actor, hired to stand in for me on public occasions".

Remy 2 leans his arm on Remy 1's shoulder

"Aww no", groans Remy 1.

"He not a very good actor at dat", says Remy 2, "He's too fat and dull witted".

Gambit gonna hunt you down and cut out your spleen when dis is over, Forge", growls Remy 1, "Where's West?".

"You know him sir", smirks Forge/Remy 2.

Meanwhile, Pietro is climbing up the spider leg. Back on the ground, 'Remy 2' waves his hands around at Remy 1

"Take dis man away", he says, "Captain? Sergeant?".

The cavalry leaves, running off

"This is one of the reasons I **HATE** the Cavalry", snaps Forge, "I hope you all fall off a cliff, you **LOSERS**!. You are dismissed, Sir!".

Remy 1 looks at him like he's grown an extra head

"We'll take them both", says Evil-Sam

The spider shoots out a net, scooping up Remy and Forge and hauling them into the air

"Is dis part of your plan, Forge?", asks Remy

"The important thing is I'm by your side, Sir", says Forge.

Meanwhile, Pietro had climbed all the way up to the top of the spider, only to find Rogue waiting for him with a gun

"I got a telegram for Dr Guthrie", smiles Pietro, "From his mother, Lucinda, she says to come home right away and stop all this foolishness".

"...Ma'?", blinks Sam twitching once.

He twitches again and goes back to evil Sam. Rogue meanwhile blinks at Pietro before shooting a bullet right into his chest, letting his body fall alllll the way down to the floor

"She shot him!", shouts Forge, "Rogue, they gave **YOU **evil formula too?".

"...Evil formula?", blinks Rogue.

The tarantula carries on it's merry way, Forge and Remy as it's prisoners, leaving Pietro lying on the ground. Dead

"Dead? I'm the main character!", cries Pietro, "I can't **DIE**!".

**&&&&&&&&&**

I'm really not going to say anything anymore 


	15. Air Forge

Mutants Make Good Cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Of course I can drive a truck. I mean, sure, you got your steering and your gas and your brake and, of course, this metal, uh, looking...thing. OK, so it was a bumper car at Coney Island but it's the same basic principle!"

**&&&&&&&**

ACT 15 - Air Forge

**&&&&&&&**

We open in Bayville High's auditorium, where hundreds of people are watching Sam on the stage. Across from the stage sit, chained up, all the missing scientists. Dr Doom is poking Doc Ock repeatedly in the head, Tony Stark is trying to get the last dregs out of a beer can, while Reed Richards is fast asleep. Jason sighs boredly in between them

"I need a better job", says Jason.

On the stage, Remy, Forge, Raven and Logan are all handcuffed and sitting on chairs, with Wanda, Rogue and Kitty standing behind them. Sam waits for the cheering to stop before speaking

"Howdy all!", says Sam, "This is a day of healin' for the wrongs that have been done to us all. How long has it been? 1776, wasn't it old bean?".

He wheels up to Moira

"Don't call me a bean", says Moira.

"The most expensive cup of tea in history. Manhattan for a handful of beads?", Sam chuckles, "How".

"**DIE**!", snarls Forge

"A'hm only readin' from the script, honest!", says Sam, "A'h mean no offence to your culture, at all".

"If I wasn't chained to a chair, I'd walk out", sniffs Forge.

"Remember the Alamo indeed", Sam rolls his eyes.

We cut to where Pietro is still lying, dead...or **IS** he?

"I just **KNEW** you wouldn't kill me", grins Pietro.

He sits up and rips open his vest, revealing an impermeable bullet proof shield tied into it, a bullet lodged in-between

"Thanks Forgey".

We cut back to Bayville High, where Sam is continuing his speech

"Today, a'hm proud to stand here before ya'll and tell you that the wrongs will be righted, the past made present, the united divided!", A banner drops, revealing a huge map of Bayville, divided up into segments, "Great Britain gets back the Beach Cove and the Mall Germany and all you others get stuff too!. And a little plot for me to retire on".

A **HUGE **segment of the map has been marked as 'Guthrie country'. We go back to the Wanderer, where Pietro is searching for any and all weapons, unfortunately there are none...except for the tiny derringer in a little brooch

"I'm about to lose my dignity", sighs Pietro.

Back in Bayville High, Sam is getting ready for the others to sign the terms of agreement for the new segmentation of Bayville, when he starts to twitch

"...I think he's getting better", says Forge, "you know, the twitching isn't that often anymore".

"It's just as bad as before", says Hank, "if not **worse**!".

"Shhhhh, the audience don't know that", says Todd.

"Mwhoahahahahhaa", laughs Evil-Sam, "Sign your lives away, come on, whooooot! Didn't YOU sign a surrender President LeBeau?".

"Non", says Remy, "Not ever!".

Everyone stares at him, he clears his throat and sits back down

"And a'h suppose the threat of death would mean nothin' to someone with such a war record as your own?", says Evil-Sam

"Gambit gets death threats all de time", says Remy, "no biggie"

"If you refuse to sign the surrender", says Evil-Sam, "we'll shoot your man, Forge".

Rogue gleefully points a shotgun at Forge's head)

"What the **HECK** did I do?", asks Forge, "I was sitting here quietly!".

"Tee hee, Pietro **AND** Forge?", grins Rogue, "Man, a'h love ma'h job!".

"Oh no", says Mystique dryly, "...how terrible".

"...Thanks for the concern", says Forge, "Don't worry, I'm wearing an impermeable".

He is dragged out of his chair by Wanda, who plonks him in the middle of the stage. Rogue dances happily to the front and loads her gun

"May I make one request?", asks Forge, "That she aim at my heart? My heart that has loved Bayville for so long?".

Evil-Sam considers this.

"Shoot him in the head"

"...Damn", says Forge.

"Rogue", says Evil-Sam, "Ready. Aim. Fi..."

Before Rogue can shoot, exotic music starts to fill the stadium. Suddenly, an exotic belly-dancer starts to dance into the stadium and up onto the stage

"A new girl", grins Evil-Sam, "Well, what a nice surprise".

The girl dances around him, making odd little 'purriiig' sounds

"Shake that booty!", grins Todd.

The girl gives him a glare and carries on dancing. She wraps a scarf around Evil-Sam's neck and dances around, sneakily picking up the handcuff keys from the wheelchair as she goes. She dances away from Evil-Sam and starts to dance around Forge, who is watching with a raised eyebrow)

"This brassiere is killing me", Pietro whispers.

He dances some more, concealing the fact he has handed Forge the handcuff keys, Forge has un cuffed his handcuffs and handed the key back to Pietro

"And this garter belt is riding up my ass", he adds.

"...Thanks for sharing", blinks Forge..

He hands Forge the tiny derringer while still dancing.

"Careful", says Forge, "that dress it's..."

"To hell with your damn dress, Forge", snaps Pietro.

Pietro dances away towards where Logan, Remy and Mystique are still chained up. He sits on Logan's lap and strokes a hand on Remy's chin

"Have you out of here in just a second Mr President", says Pietro.

"...Pietro stroked my cheek", grimaces Remy

"...Pietro is sitting on my knee!", blinks Logan.

_**SNIKT**_

Pietro **QUICKLY** gets up and dances around some more

"Is she with us?", asks Remy

"Captain West, Sir", says Logan

"He's so graceful", giggles Mystique

Pietro dances even more around Evil-Sam, when suddenly, the tassels on the chest of the dress start to spin around. Pietro blinks and looks at Forge, who motions for him to turn around. Pietro does as he'd told and the breasts turn into flamethrowers, almost burning Evil-Sam

"Kill him, kill him!", shouts Evil-Sam, as the guards point their guns around, unsure of their target, "Him! The one in the dress!".

Jean knocks Remy out and she and Rogue drag him through a steel door, followed by Evil Sam, the door shutting closed quickly behind them. As the army advances towards the stage, Pietro picks a snooker ball from his pocket and rolls it towards the army

"..Is that the eight ball?", asks Forge

"Yes", says Pietro.

"Get down", says Forge.

Suddenly, the ball explodes, destroying half the army

"That was not sleeping gas", blinks Pietro.

"No", says Forge, "...the eight ball's a bomb"

"Yes", Pietro blinks, "..I can see that".

Pietro and Forge head off to save Remy, they wave at the scientists, where Mystique is standing by Jason

"Lets move move move!", says Pietro

"Save the President", says Mystique, "we'll be fine".

"Do it", says Todd.

"No", says Jason

"I'd rather **DIE**", says Mystique

"For the love of God, we're wasting daylight", snaps Todd, "Don't make me get out the cattle prod".

Mystique and Jason give a defeated sigh, before giving each other a hug

"There that wasn't too hard, was it?", smiles Todd.

"I'll get you once this is over", growls Mystique.

Pietro and Forge run out of the building, watching as the giant spider trundles off

"We gotta get horses..we gotta run after...we gotta do..something", Forge squeaks, "...inhale, exhale".

"Forge, right now we need a plan", says Pietro.

"...Did I hear you right?", blinks Forge

"That flying machine idea of yours", says Pietro, "...now were you just acting like you knew what you were talking about, or can you really build it?".

"...I can build anything", says Forge, "**THAT'S MY MUTANT POWER**!"

A few minutes later, Pietro and Forge are standing by the nitro cycle...now with wings

"Although he was considered insane by his peers, Bernulis therory suggests that the air travelling over a birds wing is moving at a lower pressure than the pressure below the wing, that's called Lift", says Forge.

"If I wanted a physics lesson, I would have gone to school", says Pietro, "I mean, your lips were moving, but all I heard was blah, blah, blah".

"Course it's only a theory", says Forge, "...it's never been tested".

"Stop talking, stop talking now", says Pietro.

Logan walks up with a box

"Here's a Bon Voyage present for you guys", he says, "Gun Powder and Nitro-Glycerine in 44 calibre primers".

"Logan", Forge blinks, "...how do you know about explosives?".

"U.S Marshall Logan. President thought you boys could use a little lookin' after", Logan blinks, "...but I draw the line at defyin' the law of gravity. So good luck".

Logan walks off and both Pietro and Forge get onto the nitro-cycle/flying..thing

"Hold on", says Forge, "Excelsior!".

"You're embarrassing yourself", points out Pietro.

The machine speed off, but doesn't take to the air

"Excelsior. Excelsior!", says Forge

"Why isn't this thing Excelsioring?", asks Pietro.

"We're not getting enough lift", says Forge, "we need more speed".

"Oh, the bitter irony", sighs Pietro.

Forge suddenly swerves the machine towards a cliff

"...Forge", Pietro blinks, "...that's a cliff".

"Yes, I know", smiles Forge.

"That means the ground is gonna **END**", says Pietro.

"Yes I know", chuckles Forge

"This is not how I wanted to **GOOOOOOOOO**", cries Pietro.

The machine happily drops off the edge of the cliff, coming up into the air a few seconds later)

"It works! It works!", laughs Forge

"If you had to get one right, Forge, I'm **SURE** glad it was this one", says Pietro, "So what kind of fancy name have you picked out for this thing? Wait, lemmie guess...a elevation enhancer. or a gravity repeller vehicle?"

"No. I was thinking of something simple", Forge blinks, "...Air Forge".

"...Modest", says Pietro.

**&&&&&&&**


	16. Riding into the sunset

Mutants Make Good Cowboys

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "When we crashed, my entire life flashed before my eyes. It didn't take too long".

**&&&&&&&**

ACT 16 - Riding into the sunset

**&&&&&&&**

Evil-Sam is currently stomping his giant spider through Bayville, Remy having a rather large gun pointed at his head by Rogue

"I didn't get to shoot Forge", says Rogue, "can I shoot Remy instead?".

"...Errr...no", says Todd

"Mr President, a'h will ask you once again", says Evil-Sam, "sign the surrender or a'h will decimate this town".

"See if I care", says Remy, "I can just move somewhere else".

"Come **ON **Remy, it's the final act for Petes sake", snaps Todd, "at least **TRY**".

"You already had Gambits answer", says Remy.

"A'h understand your position", says Evil-Sam, "but a'h urge you to reconsider in light of the following".

Evil-Sam laughs evilly and pulls a lever, blowing up the mall

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!", wails Tabby.

The terrified Citizens of Bayville start to freak out, running in all directions as Evil Sam gleefully blows up Bayville one building at a time

"Run away, run away!", shouts Paul, then appears a few second later from the same building, "run away, run away"

"Someone's skimping on extras", says Todd (1)

All of a sudden, the Air Forge appears in the sky, it flies under the spider robot, then circles up above. Pietro blows a raspberry and drops some of Logan's bombs on it, blowing bits of it's back off

"Who's house? Pie's house!", he sings, "Who's house? Pie's house!".

Wanda gives an evil cackle and starts to shoot a machine gun at them, making holes in the Air Forge's wings)

"...Oh poo", says Forge.

The Air Forge crash lands onto the tarantula, knocking Rogue off the side as it goes

"Arrrrrr I will be avenged!", cries Rogue.

"Rogue!", cries Evil-Sam, "...you killed one of my henchwomen!".

Forge and Pietro dust themselves off before they see Wanda and Kitty stood by them with a gun each

"Ah hah!", says Wanda

They are dragged up to where Evil Sam is brooding evilly

"Gentlemen, a'hm truly impressed by your effort and ingenuity", smiles Evil-Sam, "Why not swear an oath of loyalty to me and forgo your execution".

"Actually, I was thinking about stuffing your half-an-ass into one of these cannons and fertilizing the landscape with you", smiles Pietro.

Evil-Sam scowls and pulls a lever, making the floor from under Pietro open up, dropping him into the bowels of the tarantula

"We may not have a wood shed on board", he says, "but that boy is gonna get a whoopin' anyway".

Pietro gets himself up and dusts himself off when suddenly, X23 drops in front of him

"Hello little girl", sniggers Pietro, "want me to take you to the candy store?".

X23 scowls, that was **NOT** what she wanted to hear

_**SNIKT**_

Pietro looks at the claw coming out of her foot

"Oh, well, I got one of those", he says.

He kicks down his heel and the hidden dagger pops out of his shoe. X23 looks at this for a second

_**SNIKT**_

Pietro blinks as 2 claws come out of each hand

"...Oh. Forge only gave me one", says Pietro, "..if you give me a second, I'll go up and see if he can..."

X23 thrashes her arms around, her claws cutting through the air. Pietro frowns and wiggles his foot around...not really giving the same effect. X23 advances on him, slashing away like the demented thing she is, in the process, hacking off the dagger on his shoe

"...**DAMN**!", says Pietro.

Pietro backs up right into Storm, who knocks him to the ground with a lightning bolt. A few seconds later, Pyro appears, his eyes wide and insane...him being normal, really

"Whoooooooooooooooo!", says Pyro.

Pyro proceeds to try and whack Pietro with a shovel of fire, which Pietro avoids, only to be punched by Storm

"Come on, I bruise easily!", cries Pietro.

He jumps onto a chain, swinging on it to knock Storm and Pyro out of the way. He then warps the chain around X23's claws and neck, and pushes her off the edge of the tarantula

"You **HANG** me!", asks X23.

"You wanted to have a role, you got one", says Todd, "now be nice or no bedtime story".

"I am **NOT **a child", snarls X23

"Shut up and be dead", says Todd.

"...I'll hunt you down and boil your intestines on hot tarmark", growls X23.

Pyro suddenly reappears, whacking Pietro repeatedly with his shovel of fire

"Why is he getting all the fun in beating Pietro up?", asks Forge, "I mean, we **ALL** want to do it".

"Stop complaining", sulks Wanda, "at least you got to hit him with a rock".

Pietro pushes Pyro away and grabs Storm, throwing her into some of the cogs of machine

"...Oh great, this is **JUST** how I wanted to go", she says.

Meanwhile, Pyro makes odd karate like movements, yowling like a cat

"I learned that form a China Man", he says.

Pietro gets a big chuck of machinery and lobs Pyro over the head with it, knocking him out

"I just made that up", grins Pietro.

He dusts his hands and goes to walk off, only to walk right into a metalized Piotr. Pietro punches him on the chin, only to pull his hand away in pain. He frowns and punches him again, only hurting his hands again. He goes to kick Piotr in a rather...sensitive area...almost breaking his foot

"No!", says Pietro.

Piotr frowns and picks Pietro up, throwing him across the area. Pietro picks himself up dizzily

"The...pain", says Pietro.

He grabs a spanner and smacks Pitor on the head with it..nothing happens. Pietro starts to back away, coming closer and closer to the edge of the spider. He whimpers and hands Piotr the spanner

"Sorry", says Pietro.

Piotr comes to push Pietro off the mortal coil when he twitches and falls off the edge himself

"...What just happened?", asks Pietro.

"I could explain it, but your sister is pointing a gun at my head", says Forge, "...so I won't".

Evil-Sam mutters to himself, getting on a little lift and heading down to the level Pietro's on. He can't see Pietro anywhere, until Pietro's legs swing from the roof, knocking Evil Sam and his chair into a tiny little spot, trapping him

"Now somebody around here promised me a whoopin'. Blonde haired crazy fella, about your height, you seen him?", asks Pietro, "You know, Guthrie, when it just comes right down to it, you can't beat a good old fashioned pair of legs".

"Well you're obviously not a poker player", Evil-Sam smirks, "Mr West".

He clicks a button on his chair and suddenly 4 long legs come out of it, Evil Sam stomping forward, towering over Pietro

"Four of a kind always beats a pair", he says, "Now was it someone particularly close to you who perished in that military action?".

Pietro punches Evil Sam, who spins around in his chair

"Well that struck a nerve", giggles Evil-Sam.

Evil-Sam kicks Pietro to the ground, and proceeds to pound him with the metallic feet

"A'h like to beat ma'h peat on the Mississippi mud", he says.

He stomps a foot on Pietro's face, pushing him into the floor

"...Awww Hell, stop it!", says Forge

Evil-Sam looks up and blinks at Forge

"Stop him, please", says Forge

Forge flicks his arm out, a tiny derringer coming out of his sleeve, which he doesn't notice until Remy clears his throat

"Drop it", says Remy.

Forge blinks and holds the tiny gun at Wanda and Jean, who back off. He then points the gun down at Evil Sam.

"Stop or I'll shoot", Forge grins, "man I ALWAYS wanted to say that!".

"You expect to kill me with that little pea shooter?", asks Evil-Sam, arching a brow.

"If I have to, yes", says Forge

"Well why is it that a'hm unafraid?", asks Evil-Sam.

"Shoooooot hiiiiim Fooorge!", yells Pietro.

Forge shoots and Evil-Sam Blinks, not dead, at all

"After all that, you missed?", he asks.

"Actually, I didn't", smirks Forge

Evil-Sam looks at one of his legs, which is leaking oil, the legs suddenly drop from under him, leaving him on the floor

"Damn".

"Thank you", says Pietro, then nods, "...your chivalry's about to be tested".

"Huh?", asks Forge

Suddenly, Kitty gives him an almighty **WHACK**, knocking him close to the edge of the spider. One floor down, Pietro stands smugly over Evil-Sam

"Well well well Dr Guthrie, I bet you thought it was pretty funny, big metal foot on my face", he smirks, "If you ask me, somebody around here owes somebody else an apology".

Evil-Sam starts to pull himself backwards, heading towards his chair. Up top, Kitty is still trying to kill Forge. Remy pushes Wanda over the edge of the spider for the hell of it. Forge sidesteps Jean as she runs to push him off, letting her fall off the edge too

"I killed Kitty!", says Forge, "**GO ME**!".

"Forge, quit dancin' around back dere and help Gambit figure out how to run this thing", snaps Remy.

Gambit is looking panicked at the controls of the spider when Forge walks over

"If I used my powers I could figure this out in...", starts Forge

"No powers!", snaps Todd.

"Aww...damn", sighs Forge

"We got a real problem up dere", says Remy

He points to where the spider is trundling towards a cliff. Under them, Evil Sam is still making his way backwards to his chair

"Please Mr West", says Evil-Sam, "...have mercy!".

"Oh now don't you worry Dr Guthrie", smiles Pietro, "we have a lovely little half a jail cell picked out for you".

Meanwhile, up top, Forge has resorted to pulling random levers

"Finding the right combination of levers...", he says, pulling one in the middle and there is a big **BOOOM**!. Forge lets go of it gingerly, "...Very good"

"Don't do that again", blinks Remy.

One floor below

"A'h have always admired you Mr West, a'h want you to understand that", says Evil-Sam, pulling himself up on his chair.

"For four long years I've been chasing the animal responsible for the massacre of New York", says Pietro, "...now I hear tell that's you".

"A'h am not an animal, a'h am a visionary, a'h am a genius and now a'hm **ANGRY**!", says Evil-Sam, "and after a'h kill you a'h swear ah'll boil you down for axel grease!".

Pietro jumps out of the way just in time as Evil-Sam hits a button on his chair, shooting off a cannon at him. The spider starts to go over the cliff, stopping as it teeters over the edge. Evil-Sam's chair slides across the floor, catching on a pipe so he dangles over the edge of the spider. Pietro falls down moments later, grabbing onto the back of Evil-Sam's chair and holding on for dear life

"Well, I'll be a monkeys uncle", says Evil-Sam, "how did we end up in this dark situation?".

"I have no idea Dr Guthrie", says Pietro, "I'm about as stumped as you are".

"Now a'hm facin' a rather difficult problem here", says Evil-Sam, "Now on the one hand, a'h have the overwhelming love a'h have for myself and on the other the raw seethin' hatred a'h have of you. Now a'h could kill you very easily Mr West, just by pullin' on the lever, but a'h would die along with you, hence ma'h conflict".

His hand teeters by the lever

"Decisions Decisions".

Pietro puts his hand on the lever

"Allow me to make the decision for you", says Pietro.

"Oh please you're a yellow belled chicken", says Evil-Sam, "You just don't have it in ya".

Pietro frowns, pulling the lever, dropping them down as Evil-Sam twitches

"Whuuh?", blinks Sam, "What the, how'd I end up heeeerrrrreeeee".

Sam promptly falls down the cliff which Pietro jumps onto the hanging body of X23

"Now that was a whoopin'!", says Pietro.

_**SNIKT**_

"Mother", squeaks Pietro.

Back at Bayville high a few hours later, Remy finishes knocking the pin into the railway, then goes over to a smartly dressed Forge and Pietro

"Gentlemen, you'll be glad to know I'm creating a new agency, who's sole purpose is to protect de president", he says, handing them both badges with 'secret service' written on them, "Welcome to de Secret Service, Agents one and two".

"Thank you, Mr President", Forge blinks, "...if you don't mind me asking...which one of us is number on and which is number two?".

"Gambit don't t'ink dat matters, Forge", says Remy, "Anyway, you'll have plenty of time to discuss it on your next assignment, see you in the Xavier Mansion".

Forge and Pietro sigh and give a salute as Remy jumps onto the Wanderer

"...What about our train?", asks Forge

"Well, I'm takin; it of course", says Remy, "..you let Guthrie blow up mine".

With that, the Wanderer chugs off. Suddenly, Mystique comes up to them, dressed in a lovely dress

"Pie, Forgey", she gives them both a hug before grinning, "I'm drunk".

"Yes...well", blinks Forge

"I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me before I got back to the Acolytes Base", she says.

"Why are you going back there?", asks Pietro, "I was thinking you could come back to the Mansion with me".

"Or better yet, come back to the mansion with me", says Forge

"I'm afraid I haven't been completely honest with you", says Mystique, "Professor Wyngarde isn't my father, he's my husband".

"**HAH**!", laughs Jason, then blinks, "…maybe I'm a little drunk, too"

"...Eww", says Pietro, "you could have told us that from the beginning, Raven".

"Yeah", says Forge

"Like, Hell", says Mystique, "You wouldn't have helped me if you didn't think there was a chance for some booty".

Jason skips happily over, putting an arm around Mystique

"Raven, **DEAR**", he says, "we really must be going".

"Now you know why I'm drunk", she says, "Bye. At least you still have each other".

With that, she and Jason walk off, giggling drunkenly before falling into a bush.. Pietro and Forge put on their cowboy hats and the screen changes. Old western music is playing in the background as it SEEMS Pietro and Forge are walking/riding through the desert.

"Pietro?", asks Forge

"What now Forge?", asks Pietro.

"Do you mind if I ask you a question?", says Forge

"Actually, I do, Forge", says Pietro.

The camera pans out to show they are driving the big mechanical spider into the sunset

"And we are **DONE**!", grins Todd.

"Freeeeedom!", shout Pietro and Forge

"Look what I dragged out of the bottom of the cliff", says Hank.

"A'hm all better now", says Sam, "the fall got rid of all the evil".

"And only half the cast had to die for it", grins Todd.

"Yey!", cheer the cast.

"Now lets all get drunk so we can erase this experience from our memories!", says Todd.

"**YEY**!".

END!

**&&&&&&**

(1) – See 'No Good Deed', Paul appears to be running from the subway **TWICE**.

And there we go, all my old parodies are now up in their new format, weee! Do review. Thanks for reading!


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